Thursday, November 30, 2006

A recent journal entry...

From the "Captivating Journal"...
"Healing is available. this is the offer of our Savior- to heal our broken hearts. To come to the young places within us and find us there, take us in his arms, bring us home. The time has come to let Jesus heal you. Pray.
Jesus, come to me and heal my heart. Come to the shattered places witin me. Come for the little girl that was wounded. Come and hold me in your arms and heal me. Do for me what you promised to do-heal my broken heart and set me free.
Sit quietly. Perhaps journal a little bit. And, rest assured that Jesus heard your cry, has come for you, and will continue to come. Listen for his voice. What is he saying to you?"

(I wrote as I listened:)
Oh, sweet wounded one. I've been here all along. Thank you for letting me in to heal you. I see where & how & by whom you've been hurt. Thank you for forgiving them. My relationship with you is sweeter when your heart is free of that bitterness. You are loved. You are lovely. You were worth creating & so worth restoring. Wait til you see what I have planned for you, Jen. I love you... Jesus.


Friday, November 17, 2006

It's "Man vs. Wild" - Derek King edition in my living room. We have a fireplace, but no fireplace tools (ya know, the long handled brush, poker and dustpan)... so , Derek was using his bare hands to re-arrange the wood in the fireplace... but just now switched to his handy-dandy hammer. He won't get hurt... he's too smart for that. But, he might let the house burn... hehe...
My tummy is hurting tonight. I'll have to be brief.
The "Most Wonderful Time of the Year" is upon us. Mmmm... my season for chai and homemade shortbread. Baking and melting and decorating and creating. This is truly "Jennifer's Springtime!" I come alive this time of year!
Our christmas gifts this year will reflect the first "Christmas"... Jesus recieved three gifts - Gold - an extravagant gift, Mhyrr - a practical gift, and Frankensence - a Spiritual Gift. So... my children will be recieving the same sorts of things. No, not gold and spices. But, we have an extravagant gift planned for the kids... something that we would never afford on any other day of the year... something that will totally blow their minds. Gotta get it on video... note to self. The practical gift will come to me as I see things they need - on a personal basis, and the spiritual thing is something that Derek and I will pray about... and observe in my kids.
BUT... as for the REST of our family (I have 11 brothers and sisters, 45+ neices and nephews, oodles of married-into-the-family type folks and some cousins and such coming down from Canada...) I will be making home made gifts for them. Not cheesy stuff that you set aside when you see it... real, handcrafted works of art or delightful treats - nothing but the best. And, really... that's what excites me the most!
My kids are playing Christmas music in their rooms right now... chips off the old block, eh? (Transsiberian Orchestra no-less!)
Well, while my tummy mends tonight, I'll be pulling out jewlery making kits, card crafting kits, books on homemade gifts, acrylic paints and canvases, and making a list of who gets what and when to start and finish.
Creating and giving... wow... that's my favourite thing in the whole world!

Monday, November 13, 2006

I'm sitting at my desk, wrapped in a sparkling red blanket and covered in my old York College sweatshirt. A too-weak cup of chai is cooling off next to me and I am struggling with what to write.
Today was my hubby's day off. I enjoyed the afternoon, reading excerpts from books to eachother, we hit the movies and watched Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Man's Chest for 50 cents a ticket and then hit Barnes and Noble for some more book reading. We're peas in a pod. (I did however, sneak away to Hobby Lobby to pick up that embossing heat gun I had coveted for far too long.)
I have just come off of an incredibly busy week. Some time ago, in a ladies class, it was brought up that the ladies desperately wanted another Ladies Retreat. Most of the ladies who had hosted and put on the last one had since left the church (ugh, huge issue - can't be addressed here - perhaps another time), and there was a gap between wanting and having.
I stood in the gap. Why? Who knows?
By the way... I have opened this blog window and written in this space several times in the past months only to close it up unsaved. I think I'll post this one... see where it takes me. ("Girlfriend has commitment issues!")
I spoke at this retreat... twice. I was sort of the emcee, but was also one of the session leaders and the featured speaker last night.
Mmmm last night was nice. We had ladies church down at a local private park (owned by friends of mine). They built a huge bonfire and made hot apple cider for all of us. The ladies showed up in their warmest attire, and wrapped in blankets sat on the enormous logs as we worshipped together. Sadly, I only spent an hour preparing my lesson... but it was delivered with much passion... and I pray that the ladies were blessed by it.
I spoke on embracing God, doubt, faith and grace. I emphasized that we are not enough. We were created to be incomplete without him - and to feel like we are falling short is how it's supposed to be... until we take our first step of faith. Then, much like our first step on an escalator - God takes us from there. I hoped that every woman in the audience had experienced God's grace and that it wouldn't stop there - that women would share it with other women and shine forever like stars in the universe.
Anyway... between the smoke and the hot chocolate and s'mores and the shaky start to my lesson... I think it was all good. But I am tired.
You know... Yesterday - I went with a friend to pick up a table she bought at an antique store down the street from my house. While I was browsing, I found an old tiara. Simple, tarnished and beautiful. A large star was placed on top of two little "hills" - between them. And, that was it! I asked the clerk how much it was (the tag was blank) - she figured it to be $2. I took it. I bought it impulsive and placed it on my head on the way out the door. I didn't want to place it in my purse, lest it break - so the natural place to "hold" it seemed to be my head. And then I promptly forgot about it.
My friend and my sister and I went to Sam's Club to seek out the perfect wedding gift for the shower that afternoon. I shopped for an hour and folks seemed to look at me a little longer and smile. I smiled back. I thought "Jeez, I must look good!". Or... maybe people were just extra friendly at the beginning of the holiday season. In any event, we purchased our fantastic gifts and drove on to the church. I dropped my gifts off there and printed of the scriptures I would use at the campfire that night. My sweet hubby brought some tennis shoes and my old sweatshirt to me - and I snagged them in my rush out the door.
It wasn't until I hopped in the church van and pulled on my sweatshirt that I realized I was still wearing my new old tiara! No one, not my sister, friend, Sams' Club shoppers, church friends, not even my daughter made mention of my tiara! The ladies in the van were tickled... we drove on out to the bonfire together... but I kept the tiara on. I didn't want to lose it in the van.
When I arrived at the bonfire, it was roaring! Old leaves seemed to make the fire rage... if only for a moment. And, as I was speaking - and as some of the ladies were getting chilly - someone would throw a leafy branch on the fire. And, all of the ladies would bask in it's temporary rage of fire. But, the leaves would burn out and then the ash would float way up in the air and still glowing, land all around us.
As I was speaking someone shouted out..."Jen! You have fire on your head!" I brushed my hair out quickly, bumping my once again forgotten tiara. I didn't want to have a Michael Jackson moment right there in front of everyone! Then there was a murmur. Some of the women had imagined it to be fire, but it was my tiara sparkling - reflecting the fire on my head. They said it looked like a sort of anointing. We all laughed together.
After the session, singing, and prayer we all sang silly songs together around the campfire and the little girls took turns wearing my tiara. What joy that little $2 trinket brought to folks that day.
I have so much going on in my life, in my heart... and I really do want to share it all. But, I don't know where or with whom to start!
I do want to say this...
I have been getting closer to God. He has reassured me of his forgiveness and unconditional love. Though, he has also been reminding me that while his love is unconditional, his promises are not. Mmm... and that is where I need to grow.
I'm sorry for my absence... not only in writing or not writing... but my emotional absence as I write.
I want to get real again.
More later.