Saturday was quite busy. 8 hours of driving, a pick up at a birthday party, a funeral, a kickboxing tournament, and the rest of the day was a family day. The driving time was some of my favourite time. Just sitting and reading, or singing, or homeschooling about wind turbines, or talking ministry, or making animal sounds everytime we passed one. Derek was the best at that. Not bad for a city-slicker! We haven't had a real family day in so long. And, we haven't taken a trip out of town even just for a day with just our family in years! It was a welcome relief!

The kickboxing tournament was a valentine's day gift to my husband. We were special guests of the promoter, and could sit anywhere we wanted. I had forgotten to tell Derek that. We ended up sitting in the bleachers in a regular sized gym. But, shortly after we sat down, Kung Le and other grand master champions sat right in front of us! We were so stoked! We had watched Cung Le and some of these other fellas for inspiration when we were training "back in the day". Zion got down showed us a few of his new skills... too cute! DeVon walked up to the new feather weight world champion and shook his hand. The boy is not shy. He said he'd never wash that hand again. I'm afraid he might be right! It was a night our family will never forget. Derek was so grateful... and I'm so glad that he was able to do something that was soooo him! Now that I have a contact with the promoter, I'll be able to score tickets for other tourneys and have some contacts here so we can finish our training! Derek's plans are to take the youth to the next tourney... hehe... that's gonna be kewl!

I have craved a day at home... no responsibilities other than the ones at home. No appointments, no meetings to prepare, no classes to teach, no birthdays to decorate for... just a day to be home... take care of the home. Be a home-body. And, wouldn't you know it? Today is that day! And, just in the nick of time. Something smells in the kitchen...

Plans to go to Canada in March to share the gospel with my bio family are still in the works. When you pray today... pray about that, will ya?

-Jennifer-

Looks like cupid puked in Wal-Mart. "Clean up on aisle four!"
Just got back from my hot date with my hubbie. Was so pleased to know he’d made plans. I didn’t care what the plans were... we coulda sat in the darkened park and sipped on hot chai. That would have been great. BUT... we knew we were going to the movies (free tickets... a gift from a friend at Christmas), so we hit the bulk candy section of Winco and stocked up on all our favourites. His were chocolate, mine were gummy and sour. Hehe. To be fair... I did grab a scoop of chocolate and yogurt covered raisins!
I had shopped all day for a new blouse. Found some trendy ones... flashy in colour and style... A couple of cool ones that I really liked, but were just not flattering.. A really nice conservative sweater - preppy... And one that my kids begged me to buy - a blouse with a built-in-necklace - fake diamonds and rubies. I kid you not! It was the tackiest thing I’d ever tried on! I went home defeated and put on my turquoise beaded tunic blouse... a favourite, wore jeans and high-heeled shoes. Curled up my hair and touched up the makeup. It would do.
We went to Chipotle... ate fajita burritos ... my personal favourite. We knew we didn’t have time to eat it at the restaurant, so we ate it in the car in the Movie Theater parking lot. Silly us, we forgot to grab napkins, so we scoured the van for one... and found just one... Derek sweetly sacrificed it to me. (He knew I’d need it!)
The movie was Pink Panther. I loved it when I was a kid... and I love Steve Martin. Was a great movie! Barely touched the candy... the unfinished burrito had stuffed me.
Coffee out is our favourite date. We plan out ministries... bring eachother books and I find great painting ideas, mural ideas and decor ideas in this modern library called Borders. We only had a half-hour. Derek ordered a mocha... I was still too stuffed to buy anything at the counter. It was my last day off the diet and my mind was screaming "NO! You fool! You must have something now or you won’t see a sugar-laden coffee dessert for months, maybe years! Order one now!" But... just the thought of washing down that fat burrito with a frappacino was nauseating. I walked it off in the store. I found a hair magazine and decided that I’d better get to picking a new style or colour since I’ll be going in to the salon on Friday. Right now I have a long, curly, layered style. Brown hair with red and blonde highlights. Was thinking I might go shorter... wilder. Derek wasn’t so impressed. He doesn’t like messy hair. Too bad... I was thinking it might go with the nose ring I’d planned for. Sigh.
So... all in all... we wondered out loud where we’d be in another 10 years. Kids will nearly all be out of the house. We figured we wouldn’t be at our current church anymore. But, we assumed we’d still be in ministry. (As the Lord allows, of course!) I hoped we’d be more effective, more grounded, more evangelistic. I knew we’d be closer than we are now... which is hard to imagine. I also knew that we aren’t promised another moment - as I have lost two sisters and my dad in the recent past. I reminded him that I was insistent that he re-marry should I be called home. That the woman be ministry minded, pretty and funny. He’d need that. And... that even though the kids would be grown... they’d need to have a say. He didn’t want to talk about it... but I needed him to know how I felt.
Dates with Derek are always uplifting. He listens, cares, laughs, wonders, ponders, considers. He’s wise, funny, smart, handsome, witty, talented, outgoing... a real good date. A great husband. I know... I KNOW I don’t deserve him. His dedication to me is difficult for me to understand... but I love him even without that understanding. I really didn’t know what I’d picked when I picked him 12 nearly 13 years ago. But I got a gem... priceless.
Valentine’s day has become so silly. So commercialized... much like the "love" you’ll see on t.v. Fake, flashy, short-lived.
I hope that christians will show the world what love really is. Make valentine’s day a christian holiday - and cupid can recover from his hang-over somewhere else...
-Jennifer-

Just finished a book: How To Deal With Nasty People Without Becoming One Of Them. Finished in one night. It was short... don’t get too excited for me.
The writer, Jay Somebody-Or-Other, used the word "Invalidator" to describe someone who is... for lack of a better term: Nasty to folks... specifically to you.
Invalidation comes directly, i.e.: insults, temper, humiliating you or comes indirectly, i.e.: double-sided compliments, creating a sense of dependency through flattery then ignoring you, etc.
I have been struggling for over a year with a group of people who seem to have used every angle if invalidation with me, and up to this point had me under their control. I wanted revenge, I wanted them to be exposed for what they are, but tonight I found much more satisfaction in knowing that I could deflect their attempts at control and leave them ineffective.
There are specifically two mechanisms that I eagerly anticipate using: the first is to ask them to repeat themselves. This helps reveal their motives should they try to water it down the second time around. This works best with the underhanded attempts at invalidating. And, for the more direct manipulators, to use their own tactics on them. Like a mirror... reverse it. Usually an invalidator uses the techniques that would work best on honing in on his insecurities. This will take a greater amount of effort than the first, but it is an effective tool with a bully.
I have to be careful that my motives aren’t skewed. I need to be sure that I am not aiming at revenge or humiliation. My motives for now seem pure, but everyone can be an invalidator at some time and I need to be sure that I don’t begin to morph into my own living nightmare. After all, invalidators were bred by invalidators.
It was a welcome book in the midst of the other books I was reading. The other books have been incredibly encouraging - but the question of what to do with the bullies was nagging, tugging at my subconscious. It interrupted my thoughts, prayers and I became introverted as a result. Frustrated. Shamed. Ineffective. To have this understanding and available tools is so refreshing. I hate not knowing what to do. I hate doubting myself, assuming always that the problem is either with me or just a figment of my very own active imagination. I’m not nuts. Whew!
Vulnerability. Not so good with it. But hand me some tools (not necessarily weapons), and I’m good to go!
I had to get this out before I went to sleep. Other wise it would swim around in my conscious mind and keep me awake for much longer than it took to write it.
-Jennifer-

I'm in my yellow Katrina Relief Volunteer T-shirt given to me by the Tammany Oaks church of Christ in LA. Seems like a lifetime ago. I was so focused... driven then. Seems like my life is just full of misdirection and distraction now. Not that my tasks are mundane... I'm just scattered... unengaged. Not complaining, just an observation. My computer continues to mess with me... I don't think I will continue blogging until I figure it out. Blueberry muffins in the oven smell done. Gotta run.

I was looking at my calendar for this month and next. It just dawned on me... I may be going to visit my tribe in Canada next month! YAY! And... WHOAH! Am I ready? Can I possibly prepare my kids for it? My sweet husband? (He only found out that Indians still existed when we were dating!) My reservation - the one for the Montreal Lake Cree Nation, is the ghetto of most reservations that I have visited. Derek and I lived on the Navajo Reservation for six years... but it was quite plush compared to the one I came from. What an eye opener it will be for my family! What a difference they will see between where I came from and where they are. It might even explain a few things to my sweet, sweet husband. To me.

So, I 've been reading John and Staci Eldridge's book: Captivating. And, it has been! Wow... last night I read the 2nd chapter that described in beautiful detail how God created woman to be the zenith of his creation! What a revelation to know that I am not an after-thought, a tag-along. I learned that the word ezer means more than help-meet or assistant... but rather the one he couldn't do without... the one he needs desperately! I KNEW IT! But... it doesn't puff me up with pride... rather it calms my spirit. A sense of understanding... like the completion of knowlege and direction in me. It placed light in my soul that hadn't been touched my light in soooo long. I have hope.

Hope.

Is it a luxury? Am I supposed to live without it? Keep my nose to the grindstone out of mindless duty and sheer commitment? Or... is hope a fraction of the glory that awaits me for my faithfulness. Hope isn't a luxury it is a necessity!

I do what I do with hope today. Hope's rays have touched the darkest depths of my soul. Flood me with your brilliance, Lord...

Oh... and, Lord ... put your arm around my shoulder and a hand over my mouth. For now. :)


-Jennifer-

I've just finished a pita-bread with hummus snack. Weird, but good. Really good. It was earth -friendly and organic. So it said on the plastic packaging that I threw in the trash can. Doh!!! My computer isn't letting me hit "enter" and make new paragraphs. Soitsarunonparagraph. But I think you'll get it. I have a friend who digs computers that has volunteered to come and fix it for me. In the meantime it's a test of my patience and of your attention span. Riiiight. I bought Stacie Eldridge's book "Captivating". Can't wait to get some quiet time to read it and journal in it. I need the encouragement. Lately I've been the encourager and I feel like I'm running on fumes. Don't know how many more people I can beg not to leave the church, their husband, their kids, their diet, their trainer, their friends... know what I mean? Why does everyone want to quit? Is it the post-new-year's-resolution time of year that brings such clarity of thought? Or is it late-January-winter's-gone-on-long-enough depression sinking in? Fortunately I've had my head out of the sand and I've been able to be there. Hope when my day comes that it will be reciprocal. My coffee shoppe rocked. Hosted lots of folks. New folks and old ones. Had the ol' campfire roaring. Blankets. All the treats. (None of which I sampled, thank you very much!) There was an antagonist... "Debbie Downer" (There's one in every church, isn't there?). But... that's just Satan throwing his fiery darts and I've been working on my bo-staff skills. Sweeeeet! My daughter stapled her thumb yesterday. I was on the computer, and I heard a "Oooooooooh!" followed by a "Aaaaaaah!"... I rushed out to see my 10 year old daughter holding up her thumb and crying loudly. Turns out she was attempting to staple the elastic back to the paddle-ball, and tried to open the stapler with her hand, accidentally placing her thumb on the staple side while pressing (and thus releasing) a fresh staple. The staple was red, so I was confused at first sight. It looked like a cut. But, when I realized it was a staple, I calmly pulled it out. (Both brothers were there to witness the blood squirt - "Cooooool!" - yet, still concerned.) We washed it and applied pressure... and "ta-da"! Middle child had bragging rights that night at Parent's Night Out. "Guess what I did today?" I heard her ask a few kids last night. Boys were fascinated, girls were sympathetic. Interesting reactions. I've been trying to re-claim my house. It seems like it hasn't really been mine in about 7 months. Now that I'm at home again... full time... I'm re-organising, cleaning, re-decorating, just... re-doing. Maybe I'm going through a nesting phase - who knows? ('Course the last time THAT happened... I found out I was pregnant! I should be so lucky!) Hubby has a test tomorrow. He usually is ready for these things and aces them, but like me - he has been busy ministering and putting out brush fires. I guess it's as good as an excuse as any... but I don't think he'll be satisfied with anything less than the A's he's been working so hard for. I pray that he's able to focus. He's had so much on his mind. Derek had the house looking great today. Sure, the kids helped, but I could see that it was his influence that really got it looking spiffy. Details. He's all about details. LOVE IT! Littlest one, Zion was hugging and kissing daddy g'nite, and I thanked daddy for cleaning the house... Zion (thinking I was talking to him) replied "No problem!" and skipped off to bed. Derek and I just smirked and looked at eachother. At the same moment, my oldest - the comedian - said... "uh, dad... I just slammed Zion up against the wall... Could you wipe him off?" Silly boys. Must go to bed. New book. Pizza lunch Sunday, gotta pray about Debbie Downer and Sister Holier-Than-Thou. Yes... they worship here too. Weird, eh? -Jennifer-

I know I should be blogging. So much is going on. But I'll just start where I'm at instead of trying to make up for lost blogs. Sigh. First of all... something's wrong with my computer. It won't let me hit "enter" to make a new paragraph. So, the structure of this thing is gonna drive you mad. It did me. I have coffee shoppe tonight. I'll finally paint the aprons for the volunteers. Haven't taken the time to create the mural I wanted, though. That day will come soon enough. My strong, German, massage therapist who lives upstairs is moving out today. Waaaaaaaahhhh! Sniff. Good news is... she's moving down the street from my church! Yay! Whew. This rollercoaster is gonna do me in! I'm not only into a new fitness lifestyle, my house is going on a diet. I moved from a large, LARGE, three bedroom house with four acres and a sheep and a goat and a two-car gargage to an apartment, no garage. It's been a squeeze. So... I pulled out one of my favourite books: Organising From The Inside, Out by Julie Morganstern, and another favourite: Confessions of an Organised Homemaker. Dunno who the author is. Picked up some dishpans today, labels and price tags. I'm also the queen of hosting garage sales. Gonna make some money off of this house-diet, make no mistake! Gotta go pick up the kids. Hit water-aerobics today... did a little shopping... gonna pick up some boxes from Kinko's to organise with. Have coffee shoppe tonight. Might be the only staff there, but I can hang! It's cool! My life is nuts.. pray for me! -Jennifer-

Taught my kid how to milk a cow yesterday. My bio mom called a few minutes ago and offered me $2000 CND to take a trip to Canada. Wondering if blueberries have enough fiber and anti-oxidants to make up for it's carb count.

What should I start with?

Comedian was doing dishes last night and filled a yellow kitchen glove with water. He asked me if I thought it looked like a cow. ("Well, not a COW...", I thought... but I knew what he was getting at, and I didn't know if I wanted the word "teats" in his vocabulary.) BUT... never missing a moment to teach my city-slicker kids ANYTHING about the country, I offered to teach him how to milk a cow... using the water and soap filled yellow glove. I had him hold the glove up. Explained how there were holes at the tips and that milk would come out if you squeezed from the top to the bottom... like so. I pumped the fingertips firmly from top to bottom and once I was sure he understood the technique, it was his turn. I held the glove up high, just in time for Derek to peer in from the living room. "Uh... what are you doing?" he inquired. "Teaching my son to milk a cow." I replied blandly. Puzzled and amused, he turned away, chalking it up to another Jennifer/Comedian moment.

I'll write my thoughts about the call from my bio mom when I return.

If I return. Hmmmmm?

-Jennifer-

My head is spinning. NO... not literally.

Ever know what is right... deep down inside, but doubt yourself so much... hesitate so much... that you end up looking like someone else?

Ugh.

Guess I have to explain, huh?

I am struggling with who I am. Can God really use me - just as I am? Not that I shouldn't try to become a better version of me... more like Christ... but does God use people like me? Do I fit in God's plan?

I am fly by the seat of my pants. And... I had never been apologetic about it until recently.

I had been a straight shooter... speaking what was on my mind ... until recently.

I am a creative, flighty soul... and had used it to God's glory... but now I hesitate. Second-guess. And I am paralyzed by my fear of failure... but not failure in God's eyes. Failure in THEIR eyes.

My wise husband reminded me the other day that I am supposed to compare myself to Christ... not to THEM. And he was right. I had been short-sighted.

Tonight I was ditched. It was an eight-grade moment returned upon me. Left alone, and clearly uninvited... I didn't know what to do. So... I left.

I used to be the life of the party! That's what's killing me! I used to take those kinds of people on, either by inviting myself in and making light of it... or asking what their problem was! But... tonight I wilted. Shrank away.

Have I been so far removed from God that I don't feel His presence, His reassurance? Am I so far from Him that I don't see my likeness? Does God not have a sense of humour? Was he not the life of the party? Was He not creative? Okay... so He wasn't flighty. I'll work on that.


I am struggling. I want to do what's right. But I want it to still be ME.

Know what I mean?

My mind has been set on smaller things. Not purposefully. Not intentionally. But, life's troubles have pervaded my thoughts. I have been spiritually groggy.
In the parable of the sower, Jesus tells us that some who recieve the "seed" will soon find it choked out by life's troubles, temptations and worries. "Seasoned" christians - if not aware can fin themselves in the same bind.
I have been overwhelmed at times in the past few months by life's troubles. Finances. Health. Education. Relationships. Has this worry rendered me ineffective?
Longing for something deeper, I seek outside fulfillment, not realizing that my answer lies within my responsive relationship to Christ. It's inside of me. May the Holy Spirit have two-fold power within me to wake me from my spiritual slumber! I am a heavy sleeper.
Perhaps the finances, health, education and relationships were the alarm clock, eh?
-Jennifer-

I'm sick. I'm wrapped in my new red fuzzy blanket and at my computer far too late at night. The rumbly in my tumbly is keeping me awake... and freaking my husband out.
Don't feel sorry for me, though. It was those darn sugar-free gummy bears. Oh, sure... they look harmless... I've had a run in with them before. No pun intended. Be right back...
Ugh.
So... this low carb diet has got to be done right or it will do you in. Apparently you can't wigg out on sugarfree stuff just like you couldn't pigg out on the sugar filled confectionaries. Sugar makes you fat... sugar free makes you bloated. Fat... bloated... I'd rather be bloated. Life's all about choices, right?
Weighed in and measured today. (Hence the sugar free gummy bears.) Lost a few pounds since the 1st of the year. Kewl. Wonder if I'll fit that gorgeous dress I bought come the end of May? Hm... sounds like a challenge.
Shhh... you hear that? That gurgle... that grumble? That's the sound of success! Argh.
Okay... 'nuf of the pity party.
Really... I had a good day. Ministered to a few women. Chatted with another few. Chilled with hubby and kids. Looking forward to a day of quiet tomorrow. Perhaps some art as the sun won't be out... beckoning me to bask in it's rays.
My January calendar is filling up... I just pray that it's filling with the plans that the Lord has laid out for me.
Must go to sleep.
Will write again when I feel better.

What am I, a squirrel? I'm munching on nuts and vegetables... ran out of ranch so the broccoli is unveiled.
Been keeping up with the weightloss, I'd lost 40 pounds by July, but have been off the wagon so to speak for the last 6 months and the weight is creeping back on.
I got rid of all of my "fat clothes", and I'll be darned if I'm going to buy new ones!
So... I haven't done a lick of exercise since New Year's... but I have watched my food and portions and lost 2 and 1/2 pounds. Yay. And... I actually enjoy the nuts... for now. Need some more ranch, though.
My husband runs the Parent's Night Out program at our church. The first Friday every month, parents from the community drop off their kids for $5 and can be gone for up to 5 hours. We feed the kids pizza and lemonaide, have a VBS disguised as a "fun night" followed by a G-Rated movie in the auditorium and voila! Parent's Night Out!

Breaking News! My six year old just joyously announced that he just made a fart sound with his armpit! He's been trying for weeks! Strangely enough he found a quarter in it... dunno where that came from. Armpit fairy?

Anyway... back to the Parent's Night Out. I had been volunteering as a teacher filling in when folks didn't show, and noticed that some parents would hang out for a bit before leaving and then come early and hang out before picking them up. So, I've set up a coffee shoppe. The last time we had it, I set up a fire pit outside with chairs and blankets surrounding it. Had white christmas lights in the trees and tables full of goodies, coffee, hot chocolate, chai, apple cider and much more. The ladies bring treats, and I provide the drinks and ambiance. And, wouldn't you know it? One of the families that warmed their hands at the fire with us now regularly attend services and preparing themselves for bible studies with Derek and me. God is good. And, I love chai.

So... I'm off today to find more goodies. Ran out of time to make the homemade scones and blueberry muffins... gonna have to hit Sam's Club. It'll be great once again! Oh! And... another parent called and asked to volunteer at the PNO Coffee Shoppe tonight... Sweeeet!

Gotta go check my teeth for broccoli bits and place this quarter in Zion's piggy bank.

It's madness! It's been less than 12 hours and I'm blogging again!

My husband and I shared some thoughts with eachother this morning over french toast and bacon. We discussed our "respons-ability" to change. We talked resolutions. He said that the reason many people fail at keeping resolutions is that they don't know who they are. We sometimes wrongly assume that we are a compilation of our habits... good or bad. But, we are not.
I feel like a thin, vibrant, lively person in a fat body. "It's not really me that I see in the mirror", I think regularly. But, who would know that but me?
I am organized.. really organized deep down inside. I love order and predictablity. But, most folks see me flying by the seat of my pants, winging it as I go.
I am an excellent teacher - not bragging - but I sometimes appear as though I am unprepared. Perhaps that speaks more to my procrastination habit.
So... keeping commitments to self - no matter how small - is the beginning of integrity. After we become accustomed to keeping personal commitments (ie: mind over mattress at 6:00am, having the guts to say no to fudge, hitting the sack before the lateshow, quieting critical voices inside my head, etc) then we can begin truly keeping commitments to those we are responsible for. And, from there... our character begins to develop. And the circle of influence gets just a big wider - as do our "respons-abilities".
There is so much more on this topic, but it was quite a revelation to me this morning that I am not the sum of my bad habits. Habits change. But, just as a rocket needs a tremendous amount of fuel to push itsself through the force of earth's gravity - we require accountability and encouragement to change our habits... thus changing our "respons-ability".
I have started a wellness program with a few neighbors. We'll call ourselves "The Sisterhood of Shrinking Pants"... We meet on Monday afternoons and workout together on Thursday nights.
I really need to get to doing what I am supposed to be doing. So I gotta run.
Talk atcha lata!

I've been avoiding the blog. Compelled to write, but uninspired. Know what I mean?

Christmas and New Year's have come and gone. It was wonderful the way fresh fudge is wonderful. The first bite... the excitement, the melting chocolate, the suprise in a soft crunch of walnut... When the Holiday Season approached, I was prepared. Music filled the house long before Thanksgiving. I began baking and decorating, shopping, preparing, inviting, writing.... but I was out of steam by the time Christmas rolled around. Overdosed. Overdosed on Christmas. Overdosed on fudge. If that's possible.

Ever write, delete, and rewrite? It's the deleted stuff you want to know, isn't it?

Joaquin Phoenix was in town today at Folsom Prison... Still haven't seen the movie. He creeps me out a bit. Coulda been his role in Gladiator. Loved that movie... but he gave me the jeebies.

Been playing Florence Nightingale around here. Three doses of medicine tonight to three kids, after a temperature taking and a trip to the doc's office for a physical. My munchekin took her shots like a big girl, so I wanted to treat her... but the sticker the doc offered didn't seem to suffice (it was, after all FOUR shots), and taking her out for sugar and fat laden icecream didn't seem a viable option either... so... I told my daughter we would go to the fanciest produce department in town and she could pick out any fruit she wanted. She went for it! She'd like a peach, please. The little one got one of those "sour apples" (granny smith). And, my oldest... the comedian plucked a huge pineapple and placed it in my cart... shrugged "what?".

Better go to bed.... morning will come long before i'm ready for it...

Ten fingered blogging...

If I could just slow my thoughts a little and write. If I could relate, inspire, produce, spark, infuse, saturate, haunt, re-live, re-love, amuse, distract, inquire, rant, rave.

My sweet husband isn't techno savvy. I asked him if he wanted to hear my blog. He wasn't sure.

"Will it smell?" he asked, using humour to cover his ignorance of all things technical. I explained to him what a blog was - he seemed bored.

"Who will read it?" He asked as though he were concerned that I would write all of our deepest darkest secrets here.

I explained.

"Hm. Okay, shoot."

His head turned to the book he was writing in. Knowing that the sound of my voice would soon be drowned out by the sound of his thoughts, I prepared to read my silly blog dramatically.
I read. My back was turned to him. I was lost in my own thoughts when I heard him "humph". I finished reading and turned back to him. His book was on his lap and his eyes were on me.

"I'm envious of the way you can put your thoughts on paper", he offered his praise. I corrected him - it wasn't paper... we teased eachother briefly.

Sometimes I fear that I might be forgettable. God says we are but a mist. A mist that is burned off in the welcomed morning sunlight. Is my life really that unimportant and yet so important that he would come rescue me over and over again? Living with that paradox is perplexing. If my life is just a mist, then I should live it up and fly by the seat of my pants, right? Or - do I buckle down and retrieve the lessons I've learned in my short life hoping that anyone who cares to read will find significance there - and infuse my life's lessons into their own. Is that how my life's mist will linger?

I'm curious about this blogging experience. Who reads blogs, anyway? What kind of a world do we live in when we can connect with perfect strangers - relate - and never meet? At least this side of heaven. Are the people who read blogs shallow, lonely, uninteresting? Am I?

I've taken the step to the techi-side. Just as the telephone didn't wipe out intimate communication in the home, blogging won't wipe out the need for tangible friendships and true connection.

My husband doesn't use the computer because he can only type with two fingers. It's Kharma... he can do almost everything else. I've stood and watched as he progressed with his Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing Lessons, but I just can't bear to watch him fuddle his way through it, maddenly frustrating.

I haven't settled my thoughts. They'll likely keep me awake for another hour. But, I must put an end to this day before this day puts and end to me.
-Jennifer-

Introspection... a good thing. Unless of course, like salt... you use too much...

The purpose of this blog is to give opportunity for you to see life's passing through my window. You may want to pull up a chair, or pull the shade. Your response is entirely up to you.

What makes my perspective unique? Well, each soul is unique, a special craft - fashioned by the almighty, created for a special purpose. My perspective - well... I must have a special room in God's mansion, for my perspective offers me views of live that are like no others.

I was born out of wedlock, a half breed to an addicted mother. There was no father. There were men.

I was adopted to a white family. An old fashioned mother, preacher father, and eleven siblings became my family when I was seven. I had already become worldwise. But, this new home offered a second chance at innocence.

I grew up with no televion in a generation that would be shaped by it. My shaping would have to come from somewhere else. Growing up in the forests of Northern Saskatchewan provided the perfect environment for the cleansing and preparing of a young soul. Many young souls.

I was seven when I moved from my biological family to my adoptive family. Seven years later, when I was only fourteen, I was ready to move out of my new home and into a boarding school that fostered my first attempts at independent spirituality. Seven more years, and I would find myself married with a child of my own. I hadn't been in an established home for a decade when I was creating a fledgling little family... a home of my very own. I would have a second, no... third chance at a parent/child relationship.

There was a time when I obsessed about my psychology. My make up. The mess up. The fix up. What a waste of time. My psyche didn't need fixing. Peddlers only offered excuses offered in pretty packages that promised so much more.

Introspection just pointed to where I was... but I am here. Where I was doesn't define me. Where I am and where I'm headed is all I need to know.

Don't be fooled by the peddlers. You don't do what you do because of the way you feel. You feel the way you feel because you do what you do. Chew on that.