Monday, October 16, 2006

Okay... fuggetaboutit. I can't do it. I can't do the writer's idea thing on this blog. It makes me literary constipated. I don't know if it's performance anxiety or what. I'm just going to go back to where I was and just be me. Whew. Gosh!
I started the class I'd been threatening to start for some time. I hadn't started it because I just didn't know if I had it in me to be a leader in our church. I was new... but that wasn't why. I had just come through a traumatic thing with our last church, and I came out of there feeling about this big >=<. My heart had been trampled and I had become rather unsure of myself. Insecure. I'm not over it, by the way. I still feel insecure... insufficient. BUT... I also feel God's calling. So, I've answered. And, I trust that he's got my back.
The class is based on the John and Staci Eldrege book: Captivating. I had read it through once. And, I was completely overwhelmed with it - the truth of it. I had brought it up in our Ladies' Class as a possible next subject and they all jumped on it. Secretly, I had hoped someone else would lead the class - I just wanted to recommend the book. But, it turns out I am teaching it.
Anyway, I say all that just to say this: When God calls, listen and respond.
Tonight at a ministry leaders' meeting, one of our new christians - with tears in her eyes - expressed her appreciation for the class. (So far, I've only taught two.) Seems the class needed to be had.
My heart is weary. Being yanked out of one ministry, moving out of state away from your dearest friends and family and into a new state, culture and church and thrust into leadership was just a little more than I thought I could handle in a few months. I really didn't have the desire to teach. To be looked at. To be in charge. But... it's what God seems to have required from me. I pray that I am meeting his approval.
On a different note...
Zion's birthday party is Thursday. We're having a pirate party. Skull and crossbones and everything. I'm even having a shipwrecked ship planted in my front yard... (did I mention I used to do theater?) it'll have torn sails and a pirate's flag (which is sitting on my desk next to me thanks to Zachary our 6 foot 300 pound gothic new christian teen). I went out and bought a few things for ambiance, but I think the kids will have a hoot!
I"m making a pirate ship cake. Fruit Roll-Ups for sails, and so on ... Zion has the kewlest costume ever, eye patch, sashes and pirates' wig included. Jack Sparrow - watch out! Zion doesn't know this, but he's getting a kewl pirates' sword, dagger and gun on his birthday. Kid loves to play dress up. (He gets it from his mom's side.) For dinner, we're having fish n' chips. And, Derek's going to have a tonne of games for the kids to play. THAT will be the most fun.
Oh, and it's a costume party. Everyone is coming as a pirate. And, I'll have a mural out on the front lawn as a scene setter... for pictures. I'll post them later.
Creating is what I love to do. If I could be a Chief Creative Officer for some maginificent company... I'd do it in a heartbeat. After my kids are raised... and if we weren't doing some sort of mission work somewhere. In the meantime, the churches get my creative attention. (Poor things!)
This blog is all over the place. Prolly should wrap it up.

Monday, October 09, 2006

"Everyone wants a Saviour, no one wants a Lord."
The words echo in my mind this week. The free spirit has stopped to listen.
Is it true? Is that me? Have I thanklessly been freed and snatched my salvation then rejected His Lordship only to - in a fury of spirited living - entangle myself again?
I cannot be my own master. It's not for a lack of intelligence. I have some. It's not for a lack of will. I have plenty. It's for a lack of divine wisdom. I have none.
Have I surrendered myself to Him?
God has been so patient with me.
He watches and waits as I wrestle, frustrated, head down, eyes brimming with tears to untangle the messes I've made in my life. My own doing. He encourages, He comforts, He offers to help, but in my stubborn pride, I tell him I've got it. So, He waits patiently.
When will I stop and realize that He alone understands the tangle and has the wisdom, and the forethought to unravel the mess?
Why am I so stubborn? What purpose has it served? Have I mistaken it for strength? Such foolishness.
I still hesitate to call him to be Lord... because I know that means Lord of ALL. What am I holding back? What am I afraid I will lose? My freedom? My spirit?
My creator knows me. And, He is amused at his creation. A wild child. Barefoot, free, daring, unafraid... and... entangled. Again.
God, show me. I believe... but help my unbelief.