Thursday, June 28, 2007

I have finally made it back to the motherland. Canada, eh?

It's been a long, 17 year road. One that included Mission work in Arizona, a stint in Tennessee, a term in Nebraska for college, a wedding in Arizona, mission work and the introduction of a family there. We ventured off into Arkansas territory only to be turned away to California where we really felt like we found home. Six years later, we were booted out of the sunny left coast and stationed again in Arkansas to re-learn a lesson in God's timing and guidence.

And so... it's been seventeen years for me. And, it's soooo good to be back.

The kids and the hubby look to me from time to time to explain things to them. "Is this just how Canadians do it?" "Is that normal here?" "Was it like that when you were here?" These questions are asked regularly.

What's funny is this: when I left I was just entering young adulthood. I didn't know the rules of driving. I didn't know what heated the homes... or how to pay for that. I paid rent on an upstairs suite. I had a job. I walked to and from it. I went to church. And, that was it. That's all I knew.

Okay, that's not all I knew... it's just all I knew about "settling in".

What has delighted me the most is the pleasant nature of the people here. Ready to laugh. Joking with eachother. A ready-made family. The way I remember. Shoes off at the door. The down-to-earth nature of the people. No class-systems. No castes. No "down your nose" looks about your education or lack-thereof. Just real people being real.

A new adjustment for me is realizing I am the preacher's wife again. I had forgotten that it comes with expectations. I came ready to just be me. And, I'm not entirely sure that our congregation has formalized their expectation of their preacher's wife... but from time to time I am subtly reminded of the role... and the need to fill it. But how?

I really thought I would never again struggle with expectation vs. reality. I thought that I would find a place and a time where I could just be me. And, I thought that those two roads crossed here. And, maybe they do. But... I suppose I'm still haunted some by old expectations that weren't met. Failures of my own that linger in the memory.

And, maybe I'm too hard on myself. Maybe I don't give others enough credit. Maybe they're ready for real. But are they ready for me? Am I?

Ah too deep.

I have changed in so many ways since I left Canada. And, God has been gracious to me. I am not perfect, but forgiven. And, I love imperfect people. Which covers most of us.

I just hope that my opinionated self, my flighty artistic natured self, my "not your typical preacher's wife" self will be welcomed here. And, I hope I grow here... I hope it is God who uses me just the way I am... and that his Holy Spirit directs me to change in the ways that aren't godly.

Okay, I'm all over the place here.
To sum up: Made it back. It's good. Finding my personal bearings again. God is good and he will guide... the end.


1 comment:

Niki said...

Checking in...where are you and how expensive is it to call Canada? ;) I miss chatting with you. Send me an email girl. I gots to know how you are!