Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The fear in me.

I spoke with a dear friend tonight. A real warrior. Fearless. Just out there with it. I had to ask her. "How do you do it?" She told me in essence... she IS afraid sometimes, but her dedication to God brings her past her fear, past her doubt and into the realm of living it out.

Time to quit being cryptic.

I have been a coward. That's why I haven't been here. My fear has muzzled me. And, as a result, the fire that burns in my bones has become almost unbearable.

I used to be so opinionated, so passionate, and sometimes... so wrong. And the day I caved into the doubt and fear is the day I rendered myself unavailable for God's use. The clay that began to argue with the potter.

What was I passionate about that I no longer speak of? Marriage, kids, homes, church of Christ happenings, issues, spiritual battles, attacks, politics...

And, then... I was told I was ignorant. Unusable. Unwanted. Unneeded... and I believed them and not my God.

So, I'm breaking this deal with the devil. I take back the promises I made to stay quiet. I know now it's a lie. I am not ignorant. God leads me through my experiences with my eyes wide open. I should share it. I am not unusable, I am a vessel with a purpose... designed by the Master for divine purpose. I am not unwanted, I am paid for, sought after and delighted in. And, I am not unneeded. God is calling me, it's loud and clear. I'm tired of being between the rock and the hard place. God's calling and fear. I cave into God... into his loving arms. And though doubt will still haunt me, there is nothing that man can do to me. I am His. And I am glad.

I'll see you here soon.

Watch out now... she's back.

-Jennifer-

3 comments:

Niki said...

Good for you!!! Welcome Back!!! Let's battle together then...

Dale said...

Nice thoughts! I think you speak for many, including me!

Niki said...

I needed to reread these words today. Being called a warrior is such an honor and sometimes I need to be reminded that I am one.

I'm feeling a little battle weary today, so I visited here to be reminded that I'm never alone. So I press on...