I spent the drizzly afternoon yesterday picking soggy blackberries from our bushes. Chante' was in tow, and was happy to help me fill the bucket. The boys were happy to tag along and pretend some kind of battle scene at every turn. DeVon with his thick blue nylon rope, and Zion with his newly aquired wooden dagger and plastic shield.
It's been years since I've been in the "bush" picking berries. (Though, this hardly qualified as "bush"... we were on the corner of our block... an empty lot.) But, it wasn't long before the rythym came back to me:
Find a cluster.
Make your way into the brush.
Pick as many berries as one hand can hold.
Drop into the bucket.
Avoid thorns.
Find a cluster....

And, I remembered the quiet that comes over you. No need to chat. Just the smell of rain and the wet leaves making prints on your jeans. And when my mind was quiet I found myself wondering what could be learned from the berry-bush?
Here are a few things:

What the berry bush reminded me about relationships:

Look for the well rounded ones. The ones that are ripe and ready. Knowing which ones are ripe, ready and flavourful takes experience. Have a go at it. Taste and see.
It will take some work to get prepared to glean from them. Don't avoid the trip just because it may require some planning and delicate work.
Once you've made your way in, take an assesment of what you really want. You can't have them all. You can't reach them all.
As your fingers reach out to harvest one, beware of the thorns. But, don't be afraid of them. Otherwise you'll never get anywhere.
As you begin to pull, notice... does it come easily? Or, does it hesitate? The ones that hesitate aren't ready. And, if you pull it, you will find that despite it's ripe colour, it's really rather sour. A few more days and that one will be ready too.
If you pull one that keeps it's thorns attatched to itsself you have a choice... you can grip the thorny part and hope it comes off easily... but more than likely, you will have just pricked yourself and have regretted thinking you could save it. It's time to just let that one go.
Not all are worth the effort. Some require more growth. Some refuse to be harvested.
But, others are hidden under large leaves. Out of the way. And these, I find, are the biggest, readiest, most flavourful of all. But, you have to change your point of view to find them. You must crouch. You must lift the barriers gently. They will reveal themselves to you. And, those will be the sweetest of all.

I learned a lot that afternoon. It was almost as if God was speaking to me through a soggy bush. I'll be fine here. I have my part, and they have theirs. And, I must remember whose is whose.

-Jennifer-

The fear in me.

I spoke with a dear friend tonight. A real warrior. Fearless. Just out there with it. I had to ask her. "How do you do it?" She told me in essence... she IS afraid sometimes, but her dedication to God brings her past her fear, past her doubt and into the realm of living it out.

Time to quit being cryptic.

I have been a coward. That's why I haven't been here. My fear has muzzled me. And, as a result, the fire that burns in my bones has become almost unbearable.

I used to be so opinionated, so passionate, and sometimes... so wrong. And the day I caved into the doubt and fear is the day I rendered myself unavailable for God's use. The clay that began to argue with the potter.

What was I passionate about that I no longer speak of? Marriage, kids, homes, church of Christ happenings, issues, spiritual battles, attacks, politics...

And, then... I was told I was ignorant. Unusable. Unwanted. Unneeded... and I believed them and not my God.

So, I'm breaking this deal with the devil. I take back the promises I made to stay quiet. I know now it's a lie. I am not ignorant. God leads me through my experiences with my eyes wide open. I should share it. I am not unusable, I am a vessel with a purpose... designed by the Master for divine purpose. I am not unwanted, I am paid for, sought after and delighted in. And, I am not unneeded. God is calling me, it's loud and clear. I'm tired of being between the rock and the hard place. God's calling and fear. I cave into God... into his loving arms. And though doubt will still haunt me, there is nothing that man can do to me. I am His. And I am glad.

I'll see you here soon.

Watch out now... she's back.

-Jennifer-

I have finally made it back to the motherland. Canada, eh?

It's been a long, 17 year road. One that included Mission work in Arizona, a stint in Tennessee, a term in Nebraska for college, a wedding in Arizona, mission work and the introduction of a family there. We ventured off into Arkansas territory only to be turned away to California where we really felt like we found home. Six years later, we were booted out of the sunny left coast and stationed again in Arkansas to re-learn a lesson in God's timing and guidence.

And so... it's been seventeen years for me. And, it's soooo good to be back.

The kids and the hubby look to me from time to time to explain things to them. "Is this just how Canadians do it?" "Is that normal here?" "Was it like that when you were here?" These questions are asked regularly.

What's funny is this: when I left I was just entering young adulthood. I didn't know the rules of driving. I didn't know what heated the homes... or how to pay for that. I paid rent on an upstairs suite. I had a job. I walked to and from it. I went to church. And, that was it. That's all I knew.

Okay, that's not all I knew... it's just all I knew about "settling in".

What has delighted me the most is the pleasant nature of the people here. Ready to laugh. Joking with eachother. A ready-made family. The way I remember. Shoes off at the door. The down-to-earth nature of the people. No class-systems. No castes. No "down your nose" looks about your education or lack-thereof. Just real people being real.

A new adjustment for me is realizing I am the preacher's wife again. I had forgotten that it comes with expectations. I came ready to just be me. And, I'm not entirely sure that our congregation has formalized their expectation of their preacher's wife... but from time to time I am subtly reminded of the role... and the need to fill it. But how?

I really thought I would never again struggle with expectation vs. reality. I thought that I would find a place and a time where I could just be me. And, I thought that those two roads crossed here. And, maybe they do. But... I suppose I'm still haunted some by old expectations that weren't met. Failures of my own that linger in the memory.

And, maybe I'm too hard on myself. Maybe I don't give others enough credit. Maybe they're ready for real. But are they ready for me? Am I?

Ah too deep.

I have changed in so many ways since I left Canada. And, God has been gracious to me. I am not perfect, but forgiven. And, I love imperfect people. Which covers most of us.

I just hope that my opinionated self, my flighty artistic natured self, my "not your typical preacher's wife" self will be welcomed here. And, I hope I grow here... I hope it is God who uses me just the way I am... and that his Holy Spirit directs me to change in the ways that aren't godly.

Okay, I'm all over the place here.
To sum up: Made it back. It's good. Finding my personal bearings again. God is good and he will guide... the end.

-Jennifer-

So, the biggest thing to happen to me in a few years has happened, and I haven't written about it? Have I gone mad? Am I completely nuts?

Yes.... I mean... NOoooo.

What an adventure!

So, the passports arrived after much, MUCH, much effort on my part. I e-mailed the passport agency. I called the passport agency. I e-mailed the kind lady at the Little Rock Library where we applied for passports. She sent me names of 2 Arkanasas State Representatives to harass. I called them. I called two CA state representatives...

On a side-note here - as much as I dislike Nancy Pelosi... the folks in her office are awfully nice!

After the two CA state representatives were on the case, I got up at 3am to start the phone lines in where ever they are in the Eastern Time Zone. I called at least 3 times a minute for 45 minutes (do the math) before actually reaching... no... not a person... a different message. But, after 15 minutes on that message, I spoke with a REAL, LIVE, ACTUAL passport agent. They DO exist!

A few numbers and details were exchanged and then Dick (that was his name) says this: "I have a note here that says that you have congressional help on these passports." To which I reply "Yessss....?" To which he blandly states "But, there isn't any note that says to expedite them, so we didn't." To which I reached my hand through the phone and grabbed his scrawny neck and raised my right hand and...

No wait... I didn't do that. I just sighed.

He continued... "Would you like them to be expedited?"

Can you just hear me screaming inside my own head?

I responded so softly you could barely hear me... "Yes, please."

And it was done!

13 weeks. 5 days on the road. 20 some e-mails, over 200 phone calls. Hundreds of dollars... and it was done.

Thanks, Dick.

The following morning, we met with some old friends for lunch. I wasn't holding my breath for those passports. So many promises. So few kept.

One of our friends works for the Fed Gov't. I remembered that because I was always afraid he'd deport me, but I never thought to ask him for help (because I was always afraid he'd deport me... did I mention that?). So... at lunch... he hadn't arrived yet, but our mutual friend, Nate had. Nate listened briefly to our passport troubles and then said "Ask Rog." "He's great with this stuff. He calls in a few favours on his cell and "boom", it's done!" Nate then tells us a few stories second hand about how Rog can find anyone, ANYWHERE in the U.S. Something to do with cellphone tracking and detective work. Creepy stuff.

As if on que, Rog walks in to the restaurant.

Rog is a big, black man. He wears shades ALWAYS. Day, night, inside, outside, rain or shine, he wears shades. I've never EVER seen his eyes. And we were close friends for years. When he sits, he folds his arms across his chest. When he stands, he folds his arms across his chest. He rarely chats in public. He looks like a bouncer, but he's actually the greeter at his church. Gotta love Rog.

After hearty hugs and a "how are ya?", Nate tells Rog about our passport problems.

Rog interrupts Nate and says "hold on." Rog pulls out his phone.

Nate looks at us, smiles and nods. "See?"

Rog calls someone... says "call my phone back and search it for this number", a few minutes later the phone rings. It's the passport agency. It's the Passport Agency CALLING HIM! I was stunned.

Rog asks for a few names and numbers and then flips his phone off.

"Your passport will be over-nighted via Fed-Ex. You can expect them by 10am tomorrow."

So, there you have it. Old friends, high places.

Then he turns to me and says - "So, you're Canadian? I didn't know that."

To which I reply "Yeah... that's why you can't find me on your little lists..."

We had a great lunch. Rog bought desserts all the way around. Kids made us proud and licked the plates.

I have more to tell you about returning to the motherland. Immigration. Old, new friends. But I'll save it for tomorrow. I think I'll take a minute and flip through some passports for old times' sake.

-Jennifer-

How was the move?

So glad you asked...

We had a fantastic yard sale... we only sold 4 days out of six, but still met (and surpassed) our goal of having everything gone, and making at least $1800 to replace it all.

We cleaned house like crazy. That home has never looked so good... made us almost want to move back in again. Almost. Okay... not really.

After packing up the trailer we realized we still had 1/3 of the space still left. So, we took the seats out of the middle of the minivan and put a futon mattress in. Ahhhh.... that was brilliant! The best thing ever! We drove cross-country and whenever one of the drivers needed a break... voila! Sleep. Underrated.

I think we labeled this trip our "ADD America" trip. We literally stopped to see everything along the way. Rest-stops were the best. Historical. Refreshing. Curious. And, always in the nick of time.

I took pictures, but sadly the cord that connects my camera to the computer is either in a box or got sold to some lucky fellow who will probably use it to tie up his fishing gear.

Anyway, I am proud to tell you that my husband has seen the Grand Canyon! (Or as my kids call it... "The Grand CANYON..canyon...canyon...") We stopped in after dark and set up our tent. It fit our kids. Derek and I slept on the futon. I would have loved to sleep under the stars, but I was afraid my city-slicker husband would find issue with that... so we slept in the van. We met an old friend there - she joined us after a six hour drive at about 2am. We ate breakfast together and then trotted out to see the Canyon...canyon...canyon... It's always amazing... no matter what time of year or day... it's just almost too much to take in at once! What was coolest on this trip to the G.C. was seeing the herd? flock? BUNCH of condors nesting nearby. Every once in a while one or two would buzz us or they'd swoop in and impress us all with their aerobatics. I kept telling Zion they were looking for a small child. He wasn't impressed. We met a retired couple from York, England there. They're traveling the world. It's what they do. *Jealous!*

After seeing the canyon...canyon...canyon, we stopped in at a steakhouse and gorged ourselves on cowboy food. We waddled out and saw the G.C. Imax nearby... to go or not to go? $60 for a 34 minute movie... uh... NO. I might regret that. It was a National Geographic Movie... but $60?!!

So... my souvenier from the Grand CANYON...canyon...canyon was a sunburn. This Indian skin hasn't seen the light of day in years! And, the light of day at 7000 feet is particularly bright. No need to fear.. I found the medicine I needed in Kingman, AZ. The burn is now a fantastic, evenly bronzed... farmer tan.

We cheered as we drove across the CA state line. We had decided to take on Death Valley at night. Sooo much better that way.

We've been here since Friday of last week and we have caught up with a lot of our old friends. Nearly every day since Sunday we have made the drive up to Folsom, Orangevale to see old friends... BBQ... yap. We have more visiting to do today. I'm hoping we'll find our strong, German massage therapist and old friend, Sonya. That would be the icing on the cake. (Or "cek" as she'd call it.)

So... while we wait for our Passports... we shop and look and visit. It's great. When folks asked me the Sunday we were leaving what Derek got me for Mother's Day... I told them... "A trip to CA and a move to Canada!" Doesn't get better than that. Jealous?

*grin*

-Jennifer-

So it's true. Selling it all and moving to Canada... it's liberating!

Today I have seen my "most precious treasures" go up on the selling block and not even flinch... I guess I don't treasure them after all! It's a matter of making up your mind, I think. When we decided just how big our trailer was going to be, it was so much easier to make decisions on what to keep and what to chuck and what to sell. It's like all the items in my world fell away and only what we would need to minister to our new church remained. That and a few cute things to make our house a home.

What's most ironic about it all is this: We have measured a 4"x4"x8" space (the size of the inside of the trailer) in our dining room. And, for good practice, when we pack a box, we set it inside those boundaries. It lets us know exactly how "full" we're getting. And, after packing several of our most important books and documents... and even my crafting items... and decor... we haven't even filled HALF of that space! It's amazing! I guess we went a little nuts on the "sacrifice it all" bandwagon. But what a blessing. I honestly don't regret selling anything.

Apparently at the border we are going to have to have an accounting of everything that's in the boxes. What's in them. How much it's all worth. So... I'm making a list. And, I'm labeling the boxes as we go. We decided early on to use uniform size boxes. Letter size office boxes. We have had them since CA... we fold them and their lids up and "voila!" a box... unfold it and "voila!" space! It's great! Best moving investment EVER.

We've had the honour of a few friends coming by and going through some of our things first. What a great thing that is. They don't flinch at the prices of things, and I know they really love them. And, I'm helping them out too. It's just good all the way around. Cue the music... sigh.

I have more to sort and pricetag. The yardsale moved indoors today. We ended up cancelling today's sale as it was SUPPOSED to storm like the dickens this afternoon. We frantically moved eight LOADED 8 foot tables inside and under the carport. (And all on a heelspur...waaaaaaah!!!) But the sale should move along smoothly tomorrow and Saturday. If we sell all our big-ticket items, we will meet our yard-sale goal. All the trinkets are icing on the cake. Woo Hoo!

So, I'll get back to it.

-Jennifer-

Overheard while Pookie was sick on Sunday:

Me: Expectantly - "Well Zion, we're gonna miss church... what do you want to do?"
Zion: Flops on the couch. "I dunno."
Me: "Well... do you want to watch cartoons?"
Zion: Picks up the remote (makes it look like it weighs a tonne), and slowly makes his way to me... "I dunno, mom. I don't feel very much like laughing."

And... a little later...

Me: "Zion, are you feeling better?"
Zion: "Yeah... I started to sweat." (And then in a very knowing tone - ) "That means my fever broke."
Me: "What do you know about fevers breaking?"
Zion: "C'mon mom... I'm seven. I listen."

I just love my Zion. He likes to try on big words. He's got that natural humour... that timing. He downplays just how funny he is. I love it! The boy is even funny when he's SICK!

-Jennifer-

Okay... admittedly I was in a funk yesterday.

Today was different. I got things done.

Sweet husband stayed home and foraged through boxes with me. I suppose what's harder than moving is deciding what to keep. But... I just know I'm going to be liberated when I separate myself from all my posessions. Think like monk, Jen... think like a monk.

Kids spent the day at the coolest retro-style waterpark EVER! It's owned by friends of ours, and they get a free season pass. Too bad they'll only be able to go for four days. Sigh. It's a great park though... been around for over 70 years. I just love the owners. They've become fantastic friends of mine over this past year. I don't know if I've ever told them just how much they mean to me. Note to self...

I have plans to make little postcard works of art during my trip. I have my paper, ink, gadgets and inspiration all lined up. I plan to send them to the friends that are on my mind as I travel. If you want one, send your request to me. You know my address, right? Do I have your snail-mail addy? Send it to me. I'm so looking forward to this part of the trip.

Zion is sick tonight. Fever. Sore throat. Says he "hopes he doesn't throw up". Poor, sweet thing. This germophobe is a little timid about cuddling with her pookie... but she'll do it. And, I'll read him his new favourite book. He hasn't heard it yet. But I just know it'll be his new favourite. It's called "I Love You Stinky-Face!". It's great!

I'll have more to post tomorrow. I'm gonna check for snail-mail addys.

-Jennifer-

I guess the hardest thing about leaving is knowing that I really haven't established myself. I haven't really TRULY kindled friendships... any long-lasting ones, anyway. It's hard to even admit it. I'd like to think that someone will miss me. That I've made my mark. That I've had some kind of effect. Made some kind of imprint.
But you know, honestly... I was a blip on their radar. And eventually the bright green blip fades to black again, and their interest is directed to the new blip. And so it goes.
Perhaps one of the most difficult things about being in the ministry is the moving. But, harder than the logistics of that is the implications, the complications of it. Moving means that while I were just setting up... getting comfortable... about to relax, knowing that the real me is acceptable (or at times not acceptable) here... I uproot and start all over again. And, this time... it's a new culture... new environment... new climate. So... I do.
And, I don't say this to complain. Though I realize it sounds an awful lot like complaining.
So, as I purge my home of all it's things... scoot together my sentimental items... I wonder why the phone isn't ringing. They know I'm leaving in a few days, right? Then again... I remember... this place was full of drama... and me leaving hardly qualifies as drama. It's a day in the life.
But not for me. I can honestly say that I cracked open the pages to my heart here. Some folks liked me okay... several did not. I can say that I know now that I wasn't created for the South. God, I guess intended for me to be a westerner or a northerner... or a somewhere-else-terner. But not the south. I just don't fit it. At least not here. So... back to Canada I go. Wonder who I'll find there. Or will I experience culture-shock returning to my homeland 17 years later?
-Jennifer-

So the rain is coming down and it's still 72 degrees outside. How is that possible? Ergh.

Our plans for the trip are coming along nicely. The US gov't got their money for our passports. Yay! I might be naive but I think that might mean they've actually done something with the applications...

We've sold half of our things at our yard sale last weekend. What a trip that was. People come out of the woodwork for a yard sale!

There was the elderly neighbor who made frequent trips. She'd bring her chequebook, put in the amount in her register, and forget to write the cheque. (No worries, she wasn't hard to flag down.)

Then there was the exited toothless lady who came back three times in two days to make sure we hadn't sold the TV yet. She started telling other visitors it was "her TV". The last time she showed, I wasn't convinced she was in her "right" state of mind. Hmmm.

Late on Friday a minivan with 5 beefy-bandanna-wearing-non-English-speaking fellas pulled up. They wanted to see what was in the house too. My hubby wasn't home, and I only had my kids outside keeping the store. We fumbled through our English/Spanish and I made a few sales on the spot. They're coming back for the second yard sale. The one where I sell everything. They were great customers. Didn't even flinch at the price.

Then there was the neighbor from up the street who had his eye on my camping skillets and pots. I didn't budge on the price. He had a few choice words. After some complaining, he bought them... and I got him to admit he got a great deal. Man, I shoulda been in sales!

So... now it's raining. And, it's still warm outside. I'll never get used to warm rain. Rain is supposed to be refreshing. A cool drink of water on a hot day. Not a damp, lukewarm steam bath on a hot day. Ugh.

We made a good fistful of dollars on our yard sale. I was pleased with it. I have a goal of $1800 minimum on our yard sale, and so far we have made $770... but we haven't sold much of the big stuff yet. And, there are plenty of trinkets out there. Folks love them some trinkets!

There were a few things I really REALLY hesitated to put out there. I knew though, that I would be the one who'd have to make the most sacrifice. All my dearest, most treasured possessions are now up on the sales block. And, strangely... some of them just won't sell! Is it a sign from God? Or should I lower those price tags? Hehe.

I sorted through old pictures today. I was supposed to go through them and sacrifice the bad ones - out of focus, bad colours, "dunno who that is" pictures... yeah... I think I'm the wrong one for the job. I got rid of about 7 pictures and all the sleeves from our photos. That's it. I'm far too sentimental. My husband on the other hand... he'd throw out the Declaration of Independence if it was in his way... sigh. I'll take another jab at it tomorrow.

The rain is letting up... I'm gonna check on the tarp in our carport. It's covering our Game Cube gaming stand... the one they have at those gaming conventions... they hold the TV and the console... and the games... I got it at an auction and my husband banned me from the auction for all eternity. And that was BEFORE he saw the PlayStation props! Kids loved it. But, we don't have the space for it. I hope to get a bundle of cash for it. I paid $10 a piece for them. Heavy as all get out, though. But, not as bulky as the 9X9 Phillip's 66 sign I have in my backyard.

Gotta scram.

I have to sort clothes. Mine. (Guess now would be the right time to decide if I'll do that diet, eh?)

-Jennifer-

Big announcement!

I know you're holding your breath, right?

We're moving! Derek accepted the ministry position in Nanaimo, BC, Canada and we're moving back to the MOTHERLAND! I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself.

That fantastic church we met in February has offered the ministry, Derek has accepted it... and he has put in his letter of resignation with the church here in Little Rock.

I'd go into all the details, but that would bore you and then you'd hit the "next blog" button and that would be a shame... so... I'll keep you here with talk of our crazy plans.

You know Derek and I were missionaries once, right? It was a great start for us... stuck on God and eachother - never attatched to our things. (This is a prelude to something... hang in there.)

We plan to sell all of our belongings in a series of yard sales. We hope to make enough money to repurchase the absolute essentials through IKEA (or it's cousin on Vancouver Island - JYSK) and pull a trailer behind our "fly ride" that holds all our irreplaceables. Our photos, Game Cube, computer, much of Derek's library, our homeschool books, suitcases, and paperwork, and Jennifer's thinned-down art supply store will all fill our trailer rental. (Gosh I hope our transmission makes it!) The first yard sale will be next weekend - Thursday through Saturday. We'll sell everything we don't absolutely need for the coming month. Then, the weekend before Mother's Day, we'll sell it ALL. Yep. Bikes, TV, Washer/Dryer, curtains, towels, freezer, even it's contents... it must all go. Except for the stove. It's the homeowner's. We rent.

So... as you can imagine, my life is taking an interesting turn. Just how committed am I to my things? Will it be a showdown of the wills when it comes to filling the small trailer? A serious issue of supply and demand for space!

Also... I find that during times like these I become the most organized person EVER. It's like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde... You wouldn't know it looking at me.

On a more serious note. I'll desperately miss some folks from around here. We've loved this church for years. It won't be easy leaving some of them... Though my heart knows it's not for a lifetime... I'll see them again if God wills it...

My kids are so excited. They're moving to a "foreign country"... as far as they see it. Though... It's not as foreign as they think. (Of course they do make fun of me... I still say "supper" and "cupboard" and "tea-towel"... though I've learned NOT to say "chesterfield" or "buns".)

We will be living on Vancouver Island just off the coast of British Columbia. The weather there is mild. The island is huge. It's gorgeous, expensive and filled to the brim with colourful people - and wildlife! (And, sometimes the people are the wildife!)

So... I've spent 17 years in Canada, 17 years in the States... guess it's time to move back, eh?

-Jennifer-

I think I might have some sort of sleep disorder. I can't quiet the voices in my head until around 2:30am (right around the end of my nightly prayer) the neighbor's dogs start barking around 3am, I get up to close the window around then. I usually find myself sleepwalking around 4:30am and the birds start chirping around 5:30am. Derek's alarm goes off around 6am. And, I'm just nestling into a good sleep around then. But, before you know it, it's time to get up, get the kids up, make breakfast and get homeschool started.

I used to hit the pillow and was out within minutes. I heard that's not good, but I'd still take that over what I've got now.

I toss and turn all night. Come morning, the bottom sheet on my side of the bed is completely removed from the matress and wrinkled up against Derek.

So what goes on in my head that keeps me up until 2ish? Oh, I think about the church, the last class I taught, what I shoulda said when my skinny sister told me she's on another diet, wonder why homeschool isn't progressing like it should, wondering if it would be worth it to bring out all my art supplies and make that thing that's been in my head for a few weeks, wonder if the freezer door is stuck open, wondering how cold it is outside, random things. Usually I don't settle in and think on just one thing. It's like a merry-go-round of ideas and worries.

This is a typical night. Though, other nights, the routine is disturbed by my arthritis in my wrist and knee. I happen to fall asleep but only to wake up to pain that immobilizes me... I try not to take meds at all, but especially not on an empty stomach... so I use heat therapy. Derek gets up and heats my heating pad in the microwave for me, and brings me a bottle of water and ibuprofen if I want it. About a half hour later I'm ready for slumber again. Or... if it doesn't work, then it'll take another hour to an hour and a half.

But... believe it or not... I'm not here to complain. I think I might have found a solution to the problem. Yay! And, I'll post it here if it works.

It's been literally a year since I worked out last. Mhm. And, I've gained the weight to prove it.

I think what I'll do is a calming, but trying workout after dinner... maybe even after the kids are in bed. I'll hit a hot shower and try to go to sleep from there. I think that maybe my body just isn't tired enough to force my mind to go to sleep.

I bought a ball and a band. I've watched some of the Australian-made video, I've looked over the book and it looks good. Haven't done it yet. Derek inflated the ball for me yesterday.

I've noticed that since I've not been sleeping well, I've been moody. Snappy. Weepy. Unmotivated. My poor, sweet family. This doesn't describe who I am all day... just what I've noticed that's different lately.

So, the poor sleep quality combined with enormous stress levels has made me just a little nuts. And, I'm ready for sanity again. A good night's sleep. Relatively unruffled sheets. And, as a by-product a little slimmer waist and thighs.

Any other non-medicine sleep suggestions?

So, I'm sipping on my overpriced Caramel Frappaccino... getting to the good part - the whipped cream with caramel. Though usually it's here that my kids swarm in and try to finish it off for me. They're not allowed to have coffee, but whipped cream isn't off limits. Maybe if I keep the straw slurping quiet they won't hear me trying to finish of my drink for the first time in forever.

I've procrastinated writing in my blog. Even now, I start with my drink and wonder as I write if I'll ever get to the point.

In these last weeks we have had some major life difficulties and potential changes. Career and schooling choices (for Derek and me), homeschool testing (for the kids... but for some reason, I think I'll be the one getting the grade)... and extended family trouble (my little sister).

My sister came out of the closet a few weeks ago. And, it seems as though the only thing I've been working on since the beginning of February is nudging her to restoration with God. But, now... it's over... I'm exhausted, and she's living with her lover and her lover's daughter. My heart is broken and weary - but when I'm not weary... I'm angry. I suppose it will be another grieving process for me - and all those who love her. I've lost two sisters to death... and now I've lost one by choice. Her choice.

There aren't a lot of personal issues I can discuss publicly. Being a preacher's wife... there is some good sense I must exercise. Some of it is probably fine to talk about, but I would rather err on the side of caution.

However... it brings me to say this: if you have a "pastor", a "preacher" an "evangelist", or a missionary or church worker as a friend... take them out for coffee. Take time to listen with out trying to figure out which side of the political issue you will be on. Listen to the humanity spoken in their words... Yes... they are workers in the kingdom... yes... they walk by faith - but they are not superhuman - not without the need for good counsel themselves. They need friends who don't gossip, friends who will bring good advice after bringing a listening ear and an attentive spirit. Friends who will be forgiving when their faith fall short. Friends who will pray in the quietness of the morning or late night for them, for their families, for their ministry. Do you ever wonder who ministers to the ministers? Maybe it's you...

So... my frappaccino is done. Nothing left at the bottom but chunks of ice that were too big for the straw.

I'll get up from the computer and wander back into my life... tending to the kitchen, preparing for the week. And, when you get up from your computer, I hope you'll remember your minister... and ask him if he ever needed ministering to. And, listen as things get quiet.

-Jennifer-

Toast with Nutella. Breakfast of champions. (For those of you who aren't familiar with the delicacy - Chocolate-Hazelnut spread. Like chocolate peanutbutter, but with hazelnut.) Mmmm... and a tall glass of cold milk. Why start the day any other way?

So, this past week or so we've been in: Little Rock, AR, Memphis, TN, Coldwater, MS, Chicago, IL, Seattle, WA, Nanaimo, BC and Houston, TX. (And, back to Little Rock, AR) We didn't spend any time in Chicago or Houston, but the airports gave us a pretty good sampling of the populace there.

I really should blog every day so I don't feel like I have to catch up on life's events. Sigh. But, I'll do my best here.

Derek had an interview with a small, fantastic, loving church in Nanaimo, BC, Canada. Sweet hubby had no idea what to expect from Canada, but was pleasantly surprised to find a beautiful country with absolutely dedicated christians who seek truth in God. Ah, what a wonderful trip, what wonderful people! We'll know later this week what God's will is as far as an employment opportunity there...

Our whirlwind trip went like this: ice, plane, snow in Chicago, colourful houses in Seattle, little black rental car, ferry ride to Nanaimo, late check-in, really good people, visit, questions, visit, meeting, eating, visit, really good people, Wii boxing, class, bible study, questions, funny people, old friends' parents, waterfront, islands, walking, clams, laughing, kitchen on fire, great chinese food, bible class, shopping, questions and answers, potlucks, Canasta, bible class, packing, praying, ferry, sleep, Seattle, Pike Place, fish market, sleep, Houston, Home, sleep, Mississippi, kids!, Youth Rally, church, talk, sleeeeeeep (finally!), blogging. Sigh.

See why I haven't blogged?

We have so much coming in the next few weeks. Homeschool testing, Tulsa Soul Winning Workshop, more interviews, resume's, telephone calls, etc.

God is good, and though we have seen some really rough times these last few months, God has shown his goodness, his faithfulness to us - though we are so undeserving.

Though there is one thing now that I pray for: I want life to slow down. This past month we have had illness, a Mexico trip, hectic church work, a job interview and a youth rally, conflict resolution and though it doesn't look like much on the screen - it really has consumed our time. And, I'm afraid that it was our children who made the sacrifice. So, I have scaled back my involvement with things, and I am staying true to my first ministry: my home.

Having said that: I gotta go. Kids are nearly done with their morning work, and homeschool is on deck.

-Jennifer-

Arkansas' a trip.

You know how your church will hold an outreach event... something that will reach out to the community - meeting people at the point of their need? A VBS in the summer (helps with wandering school kids), a bible camp, Parent's night out, the usual.

Our church, this last Sunday afternoon, held a Big Game Night. No... not games as in Monopoly, RISK or Clue. Big game as in Deer, Hog, and smaller game as in wild turkey, duck, fish and squirrel. We had a potluck.

Each of the hunters in the church brought in their finest game dishes and the ladies brought side dishes and dessert. The place was decked out in camoflouge, mounted deer heads, a hog head, deer hide, beaver, fox, bobcat... No, I'm not joking! The centerpiece was a boat tied to a tree, with a Bambi standing on "water's" edge.

The food included: battered and fried Crappie (no, it's pronounced "Croppie"), Deer Stew, Wild Turkey Casserole, Duck with Dressing, Smoked Deer with BBQ sauce, and Squirrel Dumpling Stew. I brought a fresh salad. When asked what I killed - I told them "Lettuce, tomatoes and cucumbers. I was brutal. Took no prisoners."

We ate dinner with our hunters and their "unchurched" friends. What a mix of people! First of all, I've never seen so much camo in my life! Each carefully planned outfit was topped with a farmer's cap. As we finished eating, they started a duck calling contest. People used all kinds of sticks and mouthpieces and flute-looking things.

There was a fella there who topped the experience for us. He was a red-head, about 6'2", and looked like a white Mike Tyson. He got up and started making his duck call, but needed no such instrument. He used his mouth to make a slurping duck sound. He was having some trouble, as he was missing a tooth right in the front and center of his mouth. (His "spittin' hole" as he called it.) After a few nervous chuckles, and a downright belly laugh, he got it. And the crowd was amazed. (I had to take his word for it - I had falsely believed since preschool that ducks said "quack".)

I came as an observer. I was kicking myself for not bringing my video camera. This stuff is real, folks! When they were all done with dinner, the fellas all went out back to smoke. And truly - every once in a while someone would loudly exclaim "Git 'er dooonnnne!"

After the cleanup was done, we all went in for evening church services. Many still dressed in camo. Our preacher (my brother in law) apparently owned no such camo, and wore a flannel shirt and torn jeans. He preached his heart out about being the "hunter" and not the "hunted". Fantastic lesson. He used fishing analogies, old hunting stories, called the devil's tricks "hooks". Really connected with our hunter's friends.

All in all, it was a good thing. Not a Martha Stewart "good thing", mind you. However, it really did reach out to the community. A different, often ignored part of our Little Rock community. As strange as it was to me, I can see that the folks in the room were on cloud nine. And, I was truly happy for them.

And as for me? I got to write about it.

-Jennifer-

Mmmm... just when you think it's hard. It gets harder.

What a walk of faith we've had this week.

I haven't - believe it or not - had time to address the sorrow that came to us last week. Posting scripture seemed to be all that I could do at the time. Even now... I wait.

This week, however, brings a new challenge. New difficulty. New sorrow.

Oh, I wish I could share it. But I do not delight in making show of other people's sin, shame or sorrow. But.. I hurt.

Yet my faith in God is stronger. How is that? Who would understand that?

Am I blind? Am I completely brain-washed? Have I lost all sense?

No.

There is something truly wonderful that happens when a Christian ditches "Churchianity" for Christianity. When you bow to God at the altar, and not at the altar itself, there is a new awakening. My physical life is full of strife now, but my relationship with HIM - the Creator - soars. A Peace that passes all understanding. It's real. And, I have experienced it this week. Oh for that Peace for eternity!

Not that I have it all figured out, mind you. This has been my journey. I have so far to go, and so many have made it here so long ago.

I had an old friend call yesterday. We chatted for a while, wrestling with a few pretty heavy issues. Heavy to us anyway. After we said our good-byes, I rested for a moment. And, was amazed at the family system God put in place for our benefit. The church. The family. The Word from the Father. To edify, to be edified. To encourage, to be encouraged. And, all under the umbrella of the family. God is so good.

Without sounding preachy I want to say this: Where would I be without God? How would I live? Where would I go for wisdom, consolation, hope? There is none outside of the Father. I know this is true.

-Jennifer-

"Listen to my prayer, O God.
Do not ignore my cry for help!
Please listen and answer me,
My enemies shout at me,
making loud and wicked threats.
They bring trouble on me,
hunting me down in their anger.

My heart is in anguish.
The terror of death overpowers me.
Fear and trembling overwhelm me.
I can't stop shaking.
Oh how I wish I had wings like a dove;
then I would fly away and rest!
I would fly far away to the quite of the wilderness.
How quickly I would escape -
Far away from this wild storm of hatred.

Destroy them, Lord, and confuse their speech,
for I see violence and strife in the city.
It's walls are patrolled day and night against invaders,
but the real danger is wickedness within the city.
Murder and robbery are everywhere there;
threats and cheating are rampant in the streets.

It's not an enemy who taunts me -
I could bear that.
It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me -
I could have hidden from them.
Instead, it is you - my equal,
my companion and close friend.
What good fellowship we enjoyed
as we walked together to the house of God.

Let death sieze my enemies by surprise;
let the grave swallow them alive,
for evil makes it's home within them.

But I will call on God,
and the Lord will rescue me.
Morning , noon, and night.
I plead aloud in my distress,
and the Lord hears my voice.
He rescues me and keeps me safe
from the battle waged against me,
even though many still oppose me.
God who is king forever will hear me and will humble them.

For my enemies refuse to change their ways;
they do not fear God.

As for this friend of mine, he betrayed me;
he broke his promises.
His words are as smooth as cream,
but in his heart is war.
His words are as soothing as lotion,
but underneath are daggers!

Give your burdens to the Lord'
and he will take care of you.
He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.

But you, O God, will send the wicked
down to the pit of destruction.
Murderers and liars will die young,
but I am trusting you to save me."
(NLT)

-Jennifer-

Mm, so it's been a while since I posted. I've recovered only to see two more kids go through it and to see Derek through a gastro-intestinal crisis. We all missed church today... a first EVER. Derek and I spent the day in the word... read and discussed the book of Jeremiah. Yeah... the whole book. (It gets really good at the end!)

Derek and I frequently find ourselves in doubt. Doubt. About where we are supposed to go, what we are supposed to do. But lately, I wonder if the doubt is really resistance. God shows us, and when we respond, we go. But, when we resist, we call it doubt. Might be something to that.

Today I read this: Security is not the absence of danger, but the presence of Jesus.

We aren't afraid of what the church's review of Derek's job will be. We aren't even afraid that they'll look at their budget and find no room for us. Really, what has been consuming us is finding out what God's will is. And, we know that in his time he will reveal it to us. For the first time in my life, my own security isn't my primary concern. Very strange for a creature like me.

I told Derek today that I was ready to go anywhere. I'd sell it all and go in a heart beat. Even Texas. (I admitted a little reservation about Texas, and immediately repented.) I imagined out loud having an in-house yard sale and hitting the road to wherever God had in mind we should go next. OR... staying put, and truly being okay with that too. God has a plan. He fashioned me to be a tool, a vessel. And, I will not argue with the potter.

So, the review is next week and January 30th is quickly approaching...

Will keep you posted.

-Jennifer-

Well it's the crack of noon and I'm just getting up.
But I'm up. And, I can swallow my spit. It's a good day.
I've had strep throat for the last few days. Decided it's the nastiest of diseases I've ever had. (You can leave your gastro-intestinal diseases in the bathroom, light a candle, turn on the fan and close the door - strep throat stays with you... ya know?!)
It starts out with "Darn, I think I have a sore throat." But in the back of your mind you're thinking "Shoot, what's a sore throat for everyone else is strep throat for me! Remember days of laying on the bottom bunk on the far end of the house... hallucinating with fever and spitting into a tupperware cup?"
Chante' had sore throat first. She was feeling a little low at the video scavenger hunt. But, she's so hard to read, I wasn't sure HOW sick she was. I checked her throat, which was red to be sure. And, assigned her to only cold drinks and cuddling for the night. (I figured the chili and cornchips would be torture.)
Later that night, Zion cuddled with me in church and asked me if he could wear my leather coat. I took it off and covered him with it. Shortly thereafter, he was slumped and his hot head rested on my shoulder. He had a fever. (Chante' was feeling better by now. Coulda been her friends at church was all the pick me up she needed.)
I tried to hurry my one-car ministry family out of the building, but it always takes an hour from the word "let's go". I just pray we didn't infect all the little old ladies with it in the meantime. But, while waiting, I found myself exhausted and instead of making my usual "How you doin'?"-preacher's wife rounds, I sat in the foyer. And, they came to me. (Now why didn't I think of that sooner?!) I didn't think I was sick. I thought that I was just exhausted from a 5 hour game of video scavenger hunt in high-heels.
We all hit Wal-Mart on the way home and picked up some sicky medicines. The kids all took their showers and doses and had their hugs and kisses and trotted off to bed.
I played Mortal Kombat with my hubby until 9:30 and then I had to hit the sack. (This should have been my second clue - I'm a night owl, and killing my husband in combat video games is what I love to do!)
I woke up the next morning feeling "ew". Creepy, crawly... I asked Derek to find the thermometer... and I had a fever of 101.4. Not a high fever... but the stoopid thing never beeped, so I wasn't sure it was done, but I knew I was done having it jab the underside of my tongue.
He went off to run a few errands, and get some work done, and Chante' threw a blanket in the dryer for me (tell you what, this kid knows me!) and covered me with it. I doubt it's good for the fever, but it did wonders for the mommy.
By the time Derek got home my thermometer read 103.5. It still didn't beep, and I still didn't care. I knew I was sick.
My sore throat had taken a back burner to the fever, but it would soon get my undivided attention.
Over the next two days I learned a few things:
You won't eat. You won't want to. You won't even be hungry. You can look a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie in the eye and not even care to take a whiff.
You'll drink only because you know you'll be really sick if you don't.
Gatoraide is yummy, but it leaves a film on the back of your throat. DOH!
With strep throat, you can develop epiglotitis, which can cause excessive drooling... which is fun when you CAN'T SWALLOW!
Since you'll probably drown in your sleep, a visit to www.webmd.com in the middle of the night helps you feel more informed, but not necessarily better.
Your brother-in-law's trips to Mexico last year paid off for you in the form of Amoxycillin! Yay brother-in-law! (Of course, the only way the rancher-turned preacher could relate the medical information to you was to tell of cows and milk-fever. Fascinating, to be sure...)
After the first dose of medicine, you hope you'll start feeling better. But, you won't. You may feel worse. Have a bucket handy for the nausea.
After two days of sitting up, laying down and spitting, you may finally gave in to one night of fever-breaking. Three soaked night shirts and three soaked pillow-cases later, the fever will be done. Mostly.
Your kids are sweeter than you ever knew... they'll wake up and come to you and ask you how you're feeling... and when they hear your response, they'll be relieved and tell you they prayed for you in bed last night. (Then one will fart and the other will yell "doorknob" and the stinky chase begins. But you're too sore to tell them you don't like that game... you're still smiling knowing they were praying for you.)
And, you find out just at the worst of it, when you think you can't handle anymore discomfort or pain just how good your husband's hand feels when it's rested on your head.
You'll learn your a trooper. The family needs you to be healthy and up and and at it soon. You'll drink and drink and take your medicines on the hour and get better as soon as you can... cuz Ramen Noodles is better than nothing, and Taco Bueno is better than Ramen Noodles, but nothing is better than mom's pot roast with fresh baked biscuits.
I'm so ready to be back in the game...
Have a bit of a sore throat today, but the fever's gone. Lost five pounds on this, the worst diet ever.
Gotta go, I think I'm hungry...
Is that Frosted Flakes? Do I dare?
-Jennifer-

You know how it is... after a great party. You take a hot shower, and while still wrapped in a steaming towel, you fall back first onto a clean, fluffy bed... exhausted.

Ahhhh... Christmas is over.

And... I did fall, back first into bed. But, not in a hot steamy towel... instead I was clutching Zicam in one hand and a fistful of kleenexes in the other. Christmas day, I kept finding quiet places in my sister's house to lay down. I didn't know it then, but my "chills" and "creepy, crawlies" were actually a low-grade fever that would move in for a few days. Sigh.

But, put your violin away... pity party is over...

Christmas was delightful! I did make all the cookies and handmade, sentimental gifts for everyone that I had planned to make. And, I think most folks liked them... a lot. (Made my mom cry... sorry mom!)

And, the kids opened their gifts with their cousins. The gifts were all colour co-ordinated (soooo Jennifer), and wrapped in retro paper. Sooo kewl. Derek wrapped the best gifts in the gold paper and the kids opened them last. The kids got the Game Cube they were sooo hoping for! And, six of their favourite games. Aw, you shoulda seen it! The disbelief, the screaming, and even a few tears shed by the little one. He was simply amazed. It was a great feeling to give the kids something really special this year. My heart nearly burst!

I was so ill for the two days after Christmas that my Christmas tree and decorations stayed up. And, come Thursday, we were off on a youth adventure... a missions training retreat for our youth.

I've been home since Monday, and still the Christmas decorations are up. Ah, work and church and homeschool and simple tiredness of the Christmas and the flu and the weekend... simply won't let me at 'em. I'd rather sit BESIDE my tree and wish it would put itself away... or blog. Hehe.

Gotta hit the sack.

-Jennifer-