Big announcement!

I know you're holding your breath, right?

We're moving! Derek accepted the ministry position in Nanaimo, BC, Canada and we're moving back to the MOTHERLAND! I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself.

That fantastic church we met in February has offered the ministry, Derek has accepted it... and he has put in his letter of resignation with the church here in Little Rock.

I'd go into all the details, but that would bore you and then you'd hit the "next blog" button and that would be a shame... so... I'll keep you here with talk of our crazy plans.

You know Derek and I were missionaries once, right? It was a great start for us... stuck on God and eachother - never attatched to our things. (This is a prelude to something... hang in there.)

We plan to sell all of our belongings in a series of yard sales. We hope to make enough money to repurchase the absolute essentials through IKEA (or it's cousin on Vancouver Island - JYSK) and pull a trailer behind our "fly ride" that holds all our irreplaceables. Our photos, Game Cube, computer, much of Derek's library, our homeschool books, suitcases, and paperwork, and Jennifer's thinned-down art supply store will all fill our trailer rental. (Gosh I hope our transmission makes it!) The first yard sale will be next weekend - Thursday through Saturday. We'll sell everything we don't absolutely need for the coming month. Then, the weekend before Mother's Day, we'll sell it ALL. Yep. Bikes, TV, Washer/Dryer, curtains, towels, freezer, even it's contents... it must all go. Except for the stove. It's the homeowner's. We rent.

So... as you can imagine, my life is taking an interesting turn. Just how committed am I to my things? Will it be a showdown of the wills when it comes to filling the small trailer? A serious issue of supply and demand for space!

Also... I find that during times like these I become the most organized person EVER. It's like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde... You wouldn't know it looking at me.

On a more serious note. I'll desperately miss some folks from around here. We've loved this church for years. It won't be easy leaving some of them... Though my heart knows it's not for a lifetime... I'll see them again if God wills it...

My kids are so excited. They're moving to a "foreign country"... as far as they see it. Though... It's not as foreign as they think. (Of course they do make fun of me... I still say "supper" and "cupboard" and "tea-towel"... though I've learned NOT to say "chesterfield" or "buns".)

We will be living on Vancouver Island just off the coast of British Columbia. The weather there is mild. The island is huge. It's gorgeous, expensive and filled to the brim with colourful people - and wildlife! (And, sometimes the people are the wildife!)

So... I've spent 17 years in Canada, 17 years in the States... guess it's time to move back, eh?

-Jennifer-

I think I might have some sort of sleep disorder. I can't quiet the voices in my head until around 2:30am (right around the end of my nightly prayer) the neighbor's dogs start barking around 3am, I get up to close the window around then. I usually find myself sleepwalking around 4:30am and the birds start chirping around 5:30am. Derek's alarm goes off around 6am. And, I'm just nestling into a good sleep around then. But, before you know it, it's time to get up, get the kids up, make breakfast and get homeschool started.

I used to hit the pillow and was out within minutes. I heard that's not good, but I'd still take that over what I've got now.

I toss and turn all night. Come morning, the bottom sheet on my side of the bed is completely removed from the matress and wrinkled up against Derek.

So what goes on in my head that keeps me up until 2ish? Oh, I think about the church, the last class I taught, what I shoulda said when my skinny sister told me she's on another diet, wonder why homeschool isn't progressing like it should, wondering if it would be worth it to bring out all my art supplies and make that thing that's been in my head for a few weeks, wonder if the freezer door is stuck open, wondering how cold it is outside, random things. Usually I don't settle in and think on just one thing. It's like a merry-go-round of ideas and worries.

This is a typical night. Though, other nights, the routine is disturbed by my arthritis in my wrist and knee. I happen to fall asleep but only to wake up to pain that immobilizes me... I try not to take meds at all, but especially not on an empty stomach... so I use heat therapy. Derek gets up and heats my heating pad in the microwave for me, and brings me a bottle of water and ibuprofen if I want it. About a half hour later I'm ready for slumber again. Or... if it doesn't work, then it'll take another hour to an hour and a half.

But... believe it or not... I'm not here to complain. I think I might have found a solution to the problem. Yay! And, I'll post it here if it works.

It's been literally a year since I worked out last. Mhm. And, I've gained the weight to prove it.

I think what I'll do is a calming, but trying workout after dinner... maybe even after the kids are in bed. I'll hit a hot shower and try to go to sleep from there. I think that maybe my body just isn't tired enough to force my mind to go to sleep.

I bought a ball and a band. I've watched some of the Australian-made video, I've looked over the book and it looks good. Haven't done it yet. Derek inflated the ball for me yesterday.

I've noticed that since I've not been sleeping well, I've been moody. Snappy. Weepy. Unmotivated. My poor, sweet family. This doesn't describe who I am all day... just what I've noticed that's different lately.

So, the poor sleep quality combined with enormous stress levels has made me just a little nuts. And, I'm ready for sanity again. A good night's sleep. Relatively unruffled sheets. And, as a by-product a little slimmer waist and thighs.

Any other non-medicine sleep suggestions?

So, I'm sipping on my overpriced Caramel Frappaccino... getting to the good part - the whipped cream with caramel. Though usually it's here that my kids swarm in and try to finish it off for me. They're not allowed to have coffee, but whipped cream isn't off limits. Maybe if I keep the straw slurping quiet they won't hear me trying to finish of my drink for the first time in forever.

I've procrastinated writing in my blog. Even now, I start with my drink and wonder as I write if I'll ever get to the point.

In these last weeks we have had some major life difficulties and potential changes. Career and schooling choices (for Derek and me), homeschool testing (for the kids... but for some reason, I think I'll be the one getting the grade)... and extended family trouble (my little sister).

My sister came out of the closet a few weeks ago. And, it seems as though the only thing I've been working on since the beginning of February is nudging her to restoration with God. But, now... it's over... I'm exhausted, and she's living with her lover and her lover's daughter. My heart is broken and weary - but when I'm not weary... I'm angry. I suppose it will be another grieving process for me - and all those who love her. I've lost two sisters to death... and now I've lost one by choice. Her choice.

There aren't a lot of personal issues I can discuss publicly. Being a preacher's wife... there is some good sense I must exercise. Some of it is probably fine to talk about, but I would rather err on the side of caution.

However... it brings me to say this: if you have a "pastor", a "preacher" an "evangelist", or a missionary or church worker as a friend... take them out for coffee. Take time to listen with out trying to figure out which side of the political issue you will be on. Listen to the humanity spoken in their words... Yes... they are workers in the kingdom... yes... they walk by faith - but they are not superhuman - not without the need for good counsel themselves. They need friends who don't gossip, friends who will bring good advice after bringing a listening ear and an attentive spirit. Friends who will be forgiving when their faith fall short. Friends who will pray in the quietness of the morning or late night for them, for their families, for their ministry. Do you ever wonder who ministers to the ministers? Maybe it's you...

So... my frappaccino is done. Nothing left at the bottom but chunks of ice that were too big for the straw.

I'll get up from the computer and wander back into my life... tending to the kitchen, preparing for the week. And, when you get up from your computer, I hope you'll remember your minister... and ask him if he ever needed ministering to. And, listen as things get quiet.

-Jennifer-

Toast with Nutella. Breakfast of champions. (For those of you who aren't familiar with the delicacy - Chocolate-Hazelnut spread. Like chocolate peanutbutter, but with hazelnut.) Mmmm... and a tall glass of cold milk. Why start the day any other way?

So, this past week or so we've been in: Little Rock, AR, Memphis, TN, Coldwater, MS, Chicago, IL, Seattle, WA, Nanaimo, BC and Houston, TX. (And, back to Little Rock, AR) We didn't spend any time in Chicago or Houston, but the airports gave us a pretty good sampling of the populace there.

I really should blog every day so I don't feel like I have to catch up on life's events. Sigh. But, I'll do my best here.

Derek had an interview with a small, fantastic, loving church in Nanaimo, BC, Canada. Sweet hubby had no idea what to expect from Canada, but was pleasantly surprised to find a beautiful country with absolutely dedicated christians who seek truth in God. Ah, what a wonderful trip, what wonderful people! We'll know later this week what God's will is as far as an employment opportunity there...

Our whirlwind trip went like this: ice, plane, snow in Chicago, colourful houses in Seattle, little black rental car, ferry ride to Nanaimo, late check-in, really good people, visit, questions, visit, meeting, eating, visit, really good people, Wii boxing, class, bible study, questions, funny people, old friends' parents, waterfront, islands, walking, clams, laughing, kitchen on fire, great chinese food, bible class, shopping, questions and answers, potlucks, Canasta, bible class, packing, praying, ferry, sleep, Seattle, Pike Place, fish market, sleep, Houston, Home, sleep, Mississippi, kids!, Youth Rally, church, talk, sleeeeeeep (finally!), blogging. Sigh.

See why I haven't blogged?

We have so much coming in the next few weeks. Homeschool testing, Tulsa Soul Winning Workshop, more interviews, resume's, telephone calls, etc.

God is good, and though we have seen some really rough times these last few months, God has shown his goodness, his faithfulness to us - though we are so undeserving.

Though there is one thing now that I pray for: I want life to slow down. This past month we have had illness, a Mexico trip, hectic church work, a job interview and a youth rally, conflict resolution and though it doesn't look like much on the screen - it really has consumed our time. And, I'm afraid that it was our children who made the sacrifice. So, I have scaled back my involvement with things, and I am staying true to my first ministry: my home.

Having said that: I gotta go. Kids are nearly done with their morning work, and homeschool is on deck.

-Jennifer-

Arkansas' a trip.

You know how your church will hold an outreach event... something that will reach out to the community - meeting people at the point of their need? A VBS in the summer (helps with wandering school kids), a bible camp, Parent's night out, the usual.

Our church, this last Sunday afternoon, held a Big Game Night. No... not games as in Monopoly, RISK or Clue. Big game as in Deer, Hog, and smaller game as in wild turkey, duck, fish and squirrel. We had a potluck.

Each of the hunters in the church brought in their finest game dishes and the ladies brought side dishes and dessert. The place was decked out in camoflouge, mounted deer heads, a hog head, deer hide, beaver, fox, bobcat... No, I'm not joking! The centerpiece was a boat tied to a tree, with a Bambi standing on "water's" edge.

The food included: battered and fried Crappie (no, it's pronounced "Croppie"), Deer Stew, Wild Turkey Casserole, Duck with Dressing, Smoked Deer with BBQ sauce, and Squirrel Dumpling Stew. I brought a fresh salad. When asked what I killed - I told them "Lettuce, tomatoes and cucumbers. I was brutal. Took no prisoners."

We ate dinner with our hunters and their "unchurched" friends. What a mix of people! First of all, I've never seen so much camo in my life! Each carefully planned outfit was topped with a farmer's cap. As we finished eating, they started a duck calling contest. People used all kinds of sticks and mouthpieces and flute-looking things.

There was a fella there who topped the experience for us. He was a red-head, about 6'2", and looked like a white Mike Tyson. He got up and started making his duck call, but needed no such instrument. He used his mouth to make a slurping duck sound. He was having some trouble, as he was missing a tooth right in the front and center of his mouth. (His "spittin' hole" as he called it.) After a few nervous chuckles, and a downright belly laugh, he got it. And the crowd was amazed. (I had to take his word for it - I had falsely believed since preschool that ducks said "quack".)

I came as an observer. I was kicking myself for not bringing my video camera. This stuff is real, folks! When they were all done with dinner, the fellas all went out back to smoke. And truly - every once in a while someone would loudly exclaim "Git 'er dooonnnne!"

After the cleanup was done, we all went in for evening church services. Many still dressed in camo. Our preacher (my brother in law) apparently owned no such camo, and wore a flannel shirt and torn jeans. He preached his heart out about being the "hunter" and not the "hunted". Fantastic lesson. He used fishing analogies, old hunting stories, called the devil's tricks "hooks". Really connected with our hunter's friends.

All in all, it was a good thing. Not a Martha Stewart "good thing", mind you. However, it really did reach out to the community. A different, often ignored part of our Little Rock community. As strange as it was to me, I can see that the folks in the room were on cloud nine. And, I was truly happy for them.

And as for me? I got to write about it.

-Jennifer-

Mmmm... just when you think it's hard. It gets harder.

What a walk of faith we've had this week.

I haven't - believe it or not - had time to address the sorrow that came to us last week. Posting scripture seemed to be all that I could do at the time. Even now... I wait.

This week, however, brings a new challenge. New difficulty. New sorrow.

Oh, I wish I could share it. But I do not delight in making show of other people's sin, shame or sorrow. But.. I hurt.

Yet my faith in God is stronger. How is that? Who would understand that?

Am I blind? Am I completely brain-washed? Have I lost all sense?

No.

There is something truly wonderful that happens when a Christian ditches "Churchianity" for Christianity. When you bow to God at the altar, and not at the altar itself, there is a new awakening. My physical life is full of strife now, but my relationship with HIM - the Creator - soars. A Peace that passes all understanding. It's real. And, I have experienced it this week. Oh for that Peace for eternity!

Not that I have it all figured out, mind you. This has been my journey. I have so far to go, and so many have made it here so long ago.

I had an old friend call yesterday. We chatted for a while, wrestling with a few pretty heavy issues. Heavy to us anyway. After we said our good-byes, I rested for a moment. And, was amazed at the family system God put in place for our benefit. The church. The family. The Word from the Father. To edify, to be edified. To encourage, to be encouraged. And, all under the umbrella of the family. God is so good.

Without sounding preachy I want to say this: Where would I be without God? How would I live? Where would I go for wisdom, consolation, hope? There is none outside of the Father. I know this is true.

-Jennifer-

"Listen to my prayer, O God.
Do not ignore my cry for help!
Please listen and answer me,
My enemies shout at me,
making loud and wicked threats.
They bring trouble on me,
hunting me down in their anger.

My heart is in anguish.
The terror of death overpowers me.
Fear and trembling overwhelm me.
I can't stop shaking.
Oh how I wish I had wings like a dove;
then I would fly away and rest!
I would fly far away to the quite of the wilderness.
How quickly I would escape -
Far away from this wild storm of hatred.

Destroy them, Lord, and confuse their speech,
for I see violence and strife in the city.
It's walls are patrolled day and night against invaders,
but the real danger is wickedness within the city.
Murder and robbery are everywhere there;
threats and cheating are rampant in the streets.

It's not an enemy who taunts me -
I could bear that.
It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me -
I could have hidden from them.
Instead, it is you - my equal,
my companion and close friend.
What good fellowship we enjoyed
as we walked together to the house of God.

Let death sieze my enemies by surprise;
let the grave swallow them alive,
for evil makes it's home within them.

But I will call on God,
and the Lord will rescue me.
Morning , noon, and night.
I plead aloud in my distress,
and the Lord hears my voice.
He rescues me and keeps me safe
from the battle waged against me,
even though many still oppose me.
God who is king forever will hear me and will humble them.

For my enemies refuse to change their ways;
they do not fear God.

As for this friend of mine, he betrayed me;
he broke his promises.
His words are as smooth as cream,
but in his heart is war.
His words are as soothing as lotion,
but underneath are daggers!

Give your burdens to the Lord'
and he will take care of you.
He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.

But you, O God, will send the wicked
down to the pit of destruction.
Murderers and liars will die young,
but I am trusting you to save me."
(NLT)

-Jennifer-

Mm, so it's been a while since I posted. I've recovered only to see two more kids go through it and to see Derek through a gastro-intestinal crisis. We all missed church today... a first EVER. Derek and I spent the day in the word... read and discussed the book of Jeremiah. Yeah... the whole book. (It gets really good at the end!)

Derek and I frequently find ourselves in doubt. Doubt. About where we are supposed to go, what we are supposed to do. But lately, I wonder if the doubt is really resistance. God shows us, and when we respond, we go. But, when we resist, we call it doubt. Might be something to that.

Today I read this: Security is not the absence of danger, but the presence of Jesus.

We aren't afraid of what the church's review of Derek's job will be. We aren't even afraid that they'll look at their budget and find no room for us. Really, what has been consuming us is finding out what God's will is. And, we know that in his time he will reveal it to us. For the first time in my life, my own security isn't my primary concern. Very strange for a creature like me.

I told Derek today that I was ready to go anywhere. I'd sell it all and go in a heart beat. Even Texas. (I admitted a little reservation about Texas, and immediately repented.) I imagined out loud having an in-house yard sale and hitting the road to wherever God had in mind we should go next. OR... staying put, and truly being okay with that too. God has a plan. He fashioned me to be a tool, a vessel. And, I will not argue with the potter.

So, the review is next week and January 30th is quickly approaching...

Will keep you posted.

-Jennifer-

Well it's the crack of noon and I'm just getting up.
But I'm up. And, I can swallow my spit. It's a good day.
I've had strep throat for the last few days. Decided it's the nastiest of diseases I've ever had. (You can leave your gastro-intestinal diseases in the bathroom, light a candle, turn on the fan and close the door - strep throat stays with you... ya know?!)
It starts out with "Darn, I think I have a sore throat." But in the back of your mind you're thinking "Shoot, what's a sore throat for everyone else is strep throat for me! Remember days of laying on the bottom bunk on the far end of the house... hallucinating with fever and spitting into a tupperware cup?"
Chante' had sore throat first. She was feeling a little low at the video scavenger hunt. But, she's so hard to read, I wasn't sure HOW sick she was. I checked her throat, which was red to be sure. And, assigned her to only cold drinks and cuddling for the night. (I figured the chili and cornchips would be torture.)
Later that night, Zion cuddled with me in church and asked me if he could wear my leather coat. I took it off and covered him with it. Shortly thereafter, he was slumped and his hot head rested on my shoulder. He had a fever. (Chante' was feeling better by now. Coulda been her friends at church was all the pick me up she needed.)
I tried to hurry my one-car ministry family out of the building, but it always takes an hour from the word "let's go". I just pray we didn't infect all the little old ladies with it in the meantime. But, while waiting, I found myself exhausted and instead of making my usual "How you doin'?"-preacher's wife rounds, I sat in the foyer. And, they came to me. (Now why didn't I think of that sooner?!) I didn't think I was sick. I thought that I was just exhausted from a 5 hour game of video scavenger hunt in high-heels.
We all hit Wal-Mart on the way home and picked up some sicky medicines. The kids all took their showers and doses and had their hugs and kisses and trotted off to bed.
I played Mortal Kombat with my hubby until 9:30 and then I had to hit the sack. (This should have been my second clue - I'm a night owl, and killing my husband in combat video games is what I love to do!)
I woke up the next morning feeling "ew". Creepy, crawly... I asked Derek to find the thermometer... and I had a fever of 101.4. Not a high fever... but the stoopid thing never beeped, so I wasn't sure it was done, but I knew I was done having it jab the underside of my tongue.
He went off to run a few errands, and get some work done, and Chante' threw a blanket in the dryer for me (tell you what, this kid knows me!) and covered me with it. I doubt it's good for the fever, but it did wonders for the mommy.
By the time Derek got home my thermometer read 103.5. It still didn't beep, and I still didn't care. I knew I was sick.
My sore throat had taken a back burner to the fever, but it would soon get my undivided attention.
Over the next two days I learned a few things:
You won't eat. You won't want to. You won't even be hungry. You can look a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie in the eye and not even care to take a whiff.
You'll drink only because you know you'll be really sick if you don't.
Gatoraide is yummy, but it leaves a film on the back of your throat. DOH!
With strep throat, you can develop epiglotitis, which can cause excessive drooling... which is fun when you CAN'T SWALLOW!
Since you'll probably drown in your sleep, a visit to www.webmd.com in the middle of the night helps you feel more informed, but not necessarily better.
Your brother-in-law's trips to Mexico last year paid off for you in the form of Amoxycillin! Yay brother-in-law! (Of course, the only way the rancher-turned preacher could relate the medical information to you was to tell of cows and milk-fever. Fascinating, to be sure...)
After the first dose of medicine, you hope you'll start feeling better. But, you won't. You may feel worse. Have a bucket handy for the nausea.
After two days of sitting up, laying down and spitting, you may finally gave in to one night of fever-breaking. Three soaked night shirts and three soaked pillow-cases later, the fever will be done. Mostly.
Your kids are sweeter than you ever knew... they'll wake up and come to you and ask you how you're feeling... and when they hear your response, they'll be relieved and tell you they prayed for you in bed last night. (Then one will fart and the other will yell "doorknob" and the stinky chase begins. But you're too sore to tell them you don't like that game... you're still smiling knowing they were praying for you.)
And, you find out just at the worst of it, when you think you can't handle anymore discomfort or pain just how good your husband's hand feels when it's rested on your head.
You'll learn your a trooper. The family needs you to be healthy and up and and at it soon. You'll drink and drink and take your medicines on the hour and get better as soon as you can... cuz Ramen Noodles is better than nothing, and Taco Bueno is better than Ramen Noodles, but nothing is better than mom's pot roast with fresh baked biscuits.
I'm so ready to be back in the game...
Have a bit of a sore throat today, but the fever's gone. Lost five pounds on this, the worst diet ever.
Gotta go, I think I'm hungry...
Is that Frosted Flakes? Do I dare?
-Jennifer-

You know how it is... after a great party. You take a hot shower, and while still wrapped in a steaming towel, you fall back first onto a clean, fluffy bed... exhausted.

Ahhhh... Christmas is over.

And... I did fall, back first into bed. But, not in a hot steamy towel... instead I was clutching Zicam in one hand and a fistful of kleenexes in the other. Christmas day, I kept finding quiet places in my sister's house to lay down. I didn't know it then, but my "chills" and "creepy, crawlies" were actually a low-grade fever that would move in for a few days. Sigh.

But, put your violin away... pity party is over...

Christmas was delightful! I did make all the cookies and handmade, sentimental gifts for everyone that I had planned to make. And, I think most folks liked them... a lot. (Made my mom cry... sorry mom!)

And, the kids opened their gifts with their cousins. The gifts were all colour co-ordinated (soooo Jennifer), and wrapped in retro paper. Sooo kewl. Derek wrapped the best gifts in the gold paper and the kids opened them last. The kids got the Game Cube they were sooo hoping for! And, six of their favourite games. Aw, you shoulda seen it! The disbelief, the screaming, and even a few tears shed by the little one. He was simply amazed. It was a great feeling to give the kids something really special this year. My heart nearly burst!

I was so ill for the two days after Christmas that my Christmas tree and decorations stayed up. And, come Thursday, we were off on a youth adventure... a missions training retreat for our youth.

I've been home since Monday, and still the Christmas decorations are up. Ah, work and church and homeschool and simple tiredness of the Christmas and the flu and the weekend... simply won't let me at 'em. I'd rather sit BESIDE my tree and wish it would put itself away... or blog. Hehe.

Gotta hit the sack.

-Jennifer-

So, I've got Wilson Pickett playing "Mustang Sally" on the radio, and shortbread cookies in the oven. My house smells like buttery cookies rolled in coconut - and I love it!
Derek's taken the kids to the 50 cent theater, and I have some space and time to get my Christmas gifts made. Sweeeeeet.

Our lives are about to be in a period of transition again... in only a matter of weeks. And, I'm not sure how I feel about it. Not sure I feel anything about it. Not sure if that's good or bad. Either I'm out of touch with reality, or I have greater faith than I thought...

The holidays are upon us, and I really wanted to be ready for it this time. Really wanted it to be special for my kids. And, I'm putting sentimental gifts together for the rest of the 25 people that will be there in the afternoon. (Not including some of my favourite people at church.)

So, I've made some fanastic photo gifts for my mom. Hinged framed gifts, a nightlight, and have a small memory book in the works. I hope she'll love it. We're just not made of dough, and we've lived apart from my family for soooo many years... Usually our Christmases are so small. But, not this year. I had to do something, but I had to something inexpensive. And, being me, it had to be meaningful.

So, shortbread thumbprint cookies rolled in coconut and topped with raspberry jelly are piling up in crinkly Christmas bags and topped with ribbon. Those are for the teen boys.

I'm making photo bracelets on ribbon for the girls.

Custom made and personalized photo memory books are in the works for the couples.

Candles have already been made and personalized. Those are for the older couples.

Anyway, I'm up to my eyeballs in paper, cookies and ideas.

Gotta get back at it.

-Jennifer-

Hm... must have been in a funk when I wrote my last post.

I started yesterday in a pretty good mood. It was hubby's day off. That's always a good start.
I turned on Christmas music after breakfast and danced with two of my three kids in the living room. Hopefully Derek hasn't installed some hidden cameras. My kids get their rhythm from their daddy... hehe.

I created gifts for my family for Christmas. I found some old pictures of mom and dad (back in the '50's) and made a hinge-framed picture set. Worked on some candles, beadwork and then spent the rest of the afternoon making Martha Washingtons and peanut butter balls. Yummy!

I was wiped by the end of the day. And, sooooo sugared out.

Derek brought home a load of already chopped wood and started a roaring fire for me. I finished decorating the mantle and settled down for a hot cup of chai.

It was a great day off.

I work today. Ugh. But, after work, I'm going to start where I left off.

Something about the previous post made me wonder... Do we (Christians) lead people to Christ or to church? Huge difference.

BTW, on the church's answering machine this morning was a message left for Jesus Christ, this fella wants Jesus to call him back. He left his name and number, I think my hubby will give him a call.


-Jennifer-

Can I get real for a minute?

(Sensitive viewers consider yourself warned. This post may be spiritually explicit. Not suitable for spiritually immature viewers.)

Why is it so hard to convince folks in the church of Christ that God wants a personal relationship with him? Hm? What's up with that?

The balking, the cringing, the whispering... the dead silence in my class was enough to shut down the most experienced of teachers.

I didn't teach apostasy, blasphemy... so what's the deal?

Or is this news to us? That God actually desires more from us than a punch in and punch out card that's perfectly filled...

C'MON!

What kind of church have I associated myself with that cringes at the thought of having an intimate, delight filled relationship with it's creator? What is so foreign about that? You gotta tell me that wasn't meat... puleeeze tell me that was milk and they just got it down the wrong pipe! They were choking on it! How on earth have they made it this far in their spiritual warfare without a personal relationship with their redeemer! What have they been doing for the PAST TEN YEARS?!!! Ugh. I'm so thoroughly frustrated.

Mind you... it wasn't the whole class. But teaching it was akin to swimming upstream in molasses.

Naturally, I have one heckler. A whisperer. She's above it all. This is all beneath her. She "doesn't need this" she tells me every class. And, yet she shows up every week. I suppose God has her there to keep me humble? I silently prayed for her right in the middle of class. We'll see what happens with that.

I can't even begin to explain to you how difficult it is to teach a class... a bible class... when you know you are right in the middle of a spiritual assault. NO... a loooong spiritual battle. I feel so incredibly weak... vulnerable... unqualified... I have come a long way from leaning on my own understanding and strength... but during these latest weeks my personal strength has run dry and I am strictly surviving on spiritual fumes. Certainly aware that I am not the best qualified for the job. And yet... no one else will step up. Hopefully when I am done, this will change.

I am baffled by this realization that wanting a closeness with God makes me a liberal nut to my obviously "conservative" sisters... Mm Mm. I never considered myself liberal or conservative... and I don't know what this make me now.... or makes them.

I'll forge on as long as God requires me to...

Signing out unapologetically...

-Jennifer-

You know, when you're 12 you think you're going to be like this forever. Just as you are. Your body will never wear out. You already know everything there is to know. All that's left to look forward to is marriage and babies.
Then you finish middle school and Jr. High, and move on to highschool. And, it's there that you just know you will never change. You know so much more than you did when you were 12, and now, you've got the marraige thing pretty much lined up with the boy-of-the-month.
Then you graduate. And, you're in limbo-land. Too old to be hanging out with highschoolers, and too young to be hanging out with the young adults. Most of which have started their degrees and talk in code: "I got my AA, only to switch majors and go for a BS. I'll start taking 300 classes early, but only if I can change my GPA..."
So, you jump into the college thing. And, that's when you KNOW that you will never change. You're living in a dorm, 3 meals a day, and you take the classes you want to take. At least, you HOPE you never change. The guys are hot here.
Then your college money runs out, and you're living in town, hoping to get back into college again.
So, you get your own place. You fanaggle over the rent with the landlord, and begin to decorate with other people's leftovers. And, though it's kinda weird, you never really thought much of working a full-time job and holding down your own fort. Paying rent and utilities is the most grown up thing you do all month. Every month. But, you still hit the movies and hang out at Subway with your boyfriend... and life is pretty much perfect. No plans to move forward, but wouldn't go back to highschool for nothin'!
Then you start talking marriage. A breeze, right? It'll be the same as now, except one of us will move in with the other... You'll never change. You'll have the endless energy you have now, only a few more responsibilities when the baby comes.... I mean, who doesn't love babies, right? You've been looking forward to this day since you were 12. You've had it planned out for nearly a decade!
Then the baby comes. No one told you they have a different clock than you. (Funny how I didn't mind being up at 3am with my fiancee, but it's different with an infant!) Suddenly, you realize everything has changed. YOU are no longer the center of the universe. And, you slowly realize... even at 3am... you're okay with that. You'd do anything to provide and protect this little crying creature. And, motherhood isn't anything like you had imagined when you were 12. It's so much harder and so much better!
Then you're infant turns 1 and is into everything. Turns 2 and says "no!", and gets it's first paddling. She's 3 and asks "whyyyy?". She's four and gets bossy. She's 6 and toothless. She's eight and has drama with her little friends. She's 10 and wants her ears peirced. She's 12 and she has it all figured out. She'll never change.
So, you try to tell her that she will... and she looks at you blankly and asks if she can start wearing make-up.
My daughter turns 12 next year... and she's got it all figured out.
-Jennifer-

A recent journal entry...

From the "Captivating Journal"...
"Healing is available. this is the offer of our Savior- to heal our broken hearts. To come to the young places within us and find us there, take us in his arms, bring us home. The time has come to let Jesus heal you. Pray.
Jesus, come to me and heal my heart. Come to the shattered places witin me. Come for the little girl that was wounded. Come and hold me in your arms and heal me. Do for me what you promised to do-heal my broken heart and set me free.
Sit quietly. Perhaps journal a little bit. And, rest assured that Jesus heard your cry, has come for you, and will continue to come. Listen for his voice. What is he saying to you?"

(I wrote as I listened:)
Oh, sweet wounded one. I've been here all along. Thank you for letting me in to heal you. I see where & how & by whom you've been hurt. Thank you for forgiving them. My relationship with you is sweeter when your heart is free of that bitterness. You are loved. You are lovely. You were worth creating & so worth restoring. Wait til you see what I have planned for you, Jen. I love you... Jesus.

-Jennifer-

It's "Man vs. Wild" - Derek King edition in my living room. We have a fireplace, but no fireplace tools (ya know, the long handled brush, poker and dustpan)... so , Derek was using his bare hands to re-arrange the wood in the fireplace... but just now switched to his handy-dandy hammer. He won't get hurt... he's too smart for that. But, he might let the house burn... hehe...
My tummy is hurting tonight. I'll have to be brief.
The "Most Wonderful Time of the Year" is upon us. Mmmm... my season for chai and homemade shortbread. Baking and melting and decorating and creating. This is truly "Jennifer's Springtime!" I come alive this time of year!
Our christmas gifts this year will reflect the first "Christmas"... Jesus recieved three gifts - Gold - an extravagant gift, Mhyrr - a practical gift, and Frankensence - a Spiritual Gift. So... my children will be recieving the same sorts of things. No, not gold and spices. But, we have an extravagant gift planned for the kids... something that we would never afford on any other day of the year... something that will totally blow their minds. Gotta get it on video... note to self. The practical gift will come to me as I see things they need - on a personal basis, and the spiritual thing is something that Derek and I will pray about... and observe in my kids.
BUT... as for the REST of our family (I have 11 brothers and sisters, 45+ neices and nephews, oodles of married-into-the-family type folks and some cousins and such coming down from Canada...) I will be making home made gifts for them. Not cheesy stuff that you set aside when you see it... real, handcrafted works of art or delightful treats - nothing but the best. And, really... that's what excites me the most!
My kids are playing Christmas music in their rooms right now... chips off the old block, eh? (Transsiberian Orchestra no-less!)
Well, while my tummy mends tonight, I'll be pulling out jewlery making kits, card crafting kits, books on homemade gifts, acrylic paints and canvases, and making a list of who gets what and when to start and finish.
Creating and giving... wow... that's my favourite thing in the whole world!
Sigh...
-Jennifer-

I'm sitting at my desk, wrapped in a sparkling red blanket and covered in my old York College sweatshirt. A too-weak cup of chai is cooling off next to me and I am struggling with what to write.
Today was my hubby's day off. I enjoyed the afternoon, reading excerpts from books to eachother, we hit the movies and watched Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Man's Chest for 50 cents a ticket and then hit Barnes and Noble for some more book reading. We're peas in a pod. (I did however, sneak away to Hobby Lobby to pick up that embossing heat gun I had coveted for far too long.)
I have just come off of an incredibly busy week. Some time ago, in a ladies class, it was brought up that the ladies desperately wanted another Ladies Retreat. Most of the ladies who had hosted and put on the last one had since left the church (ugh, huge issue - can't be addressed here - perhaps another time), and there was a gap between wanting and having.
I stood in the gap. Why? Who knows?
By the way... I have opened this blog window and written in this space several times in the past months only to close it up unsaved. I think I'll post this one... see where it takes me. ("Girlfriend has commitment issues!")
I spoke at this retreat... twice. I was sort of the emcee, but was also one of the session leaders and the featured speaker last night.
Mmmm last night was nice. We had ladies church down at a local private park (owned by friends of mine). They built a huge bonfire and made hot apple cider for all of us. The ladies showed up in their warmest attire, and wrapped in blankets sat on the enormous logs as we worshipped together. Sadly, I only spent an hour preparing my lesson... but it was delivered with much passion... and I pray that the ladies were blessed by it.
I spoke on embracing God, doubt, faith and grace. I emphasized that we are not enough. We were created to be incomplete without him - and to feel like we are falling short is how it's supposed to be... until we take our first step of faith. Then, much like our first step on an escalator - God takes us from there. I hoped that every woman in the audience had experienced God's grace and that it wouldn't stop there - that women would share it with other women and shine forever like stars in the universe.
Anyway... between the smoke and the hot chocolate and s'mores and the shaky start to my lesson... I think it was all good. But I am tired.
You know... Yesterday - I went with a friend to pick up a table she bought at an antique store down the street from my house. While I was browsing, I found an old tiara. Simple, tarnished and beautiful. A large star was placed on top of two little "hills" - between them. And, that was it! I asked the clerk how much it was (the tag was blank) - she figured it to be $2. I took it. I bought it impulsive and placed it on my head on the way out the door. I didn't want to place it in my purse, lest it break - so the natural place to "hold" it seemed to be my head. And then I promptly forgot about it.
My friend and my sister and I went to Sam's Club to seek out the perfect wedding gift for the shower that afternoon. I shopped for an hour and folks seemed to look at me a little longer and smile. I smiled back. I thought "Jeez, I must look good!". Or... maybe people were just extra friendly at the beginning of the holiday season. In any event, we purchased our fantastic gifts and drove on to the church. I dropped my gifts off there and printed of the scriptures I would use at the campfire that night. My sweet hubby brought some tennis shoes and my old sweatshirt to me - and I snagged them in my rush out the door.
It wasn't until I hopped in the church van and pulled on my sweatshirt that I realized I was still wearing my new old tiara! No one, not my sister, friend, Sams' Club shoppers, church friends, not even my daughter made mention of my tiara! The ladies in the van were tickled... we drove on out to the bonfire together... but I kept the tiara on. I didn't want to lose it in the van.
When I arrived at the bonfire, it was roaring! Old leaves seemed to make the fire rage... if only for a moment. And, as I was speaking - and as some of the ladies were getting chilly - someone would throw a leafy branch on the fire. And, all of the ladies would bask in it's temporary rage of fire. But, the leaves would burn out and then the ash would float way up in the air and still glowing, land all around us.
As I was speaking someone shouted out..."Jen! You have fire on your head!" I brushed my hair out quickly, bumping my once again forgotten tiara. I didn't want to have a Michael Jackson moment right there in front of everyone! Then there was a murmur. Some of the women had imagined it to be fire, but it was my tiara sparkling - reflecting the fire on my head. They said it looked like a sort of anointing. We all laughed together.
After the session, singing, and prayer we all sang silly songs together around the campfire and the little girls took turns wearing my tiara. What joy that little $2 trinket brought to folks that day.
I have so much going on in my life, in my heart... and I really do want to share it all. But, I don't know where or with whom to start!
I do want to say this...
I have been getting closer to God. He has reassured me of his forgiveness and unconditional love. Though, he has also been reminding me that while his love is unconditional, his promises are not. Mmm... and that is where I need to grow.
I'm sorry for my absence... not only in writing or not writing... but my emotional absence as I write.
I want to get real again.
More later.
-Jennifer-

Okay... fuggetaboutit. I can't do it. I can't do the writer's idea thing on this blog. It makes me literary constipated. I don't know if it's performance anxiety or what. I'm just going to go back to where I was and just be me. Whew. Gosh!
I started the class I'd been threatening to start for some time. I hadn't started it because I just didn't know if I had it in me to be a leader in our church. I was new... but that wasn't why. I had just come through a traumatic thing with our last church, and I came out of there feeling about this big >=<. My heart had been trampled and I had become rather unsure of myself. Insecure. I'm not over it, by the way. I still feel insecure... insufficient. BUT... I also feel God's calling. So, I've answered. And, I trust that he's got my back.
The class is based on the John and Staci Eldrege book: Captivating. I had read it through once. And, I was completely overwhelmed with it - the truth of it. I had brought it up in our Ladies' Class as a possible next subject and they all jumped on it. Secretly, I had hoped someone else would lead the class - I just wanted to recommend the book. But, it turns out I am teaching it.
Anyway, I say all that just to say this: When God calls, listen and respond.
Tonight at a ministry leaders' meeting, one of our new christians - with tears in her eyes - expressed her appreciation for the class. (So far, I've only taught two.) Seems the class needed to be had.
My heart is weary. Being yanked out of one ministry, moving out of state away from your dearest friends and family and into a new state, culture and church and thrust into leadership was just a little more than I thought I could handle in a few months. I really didn't have the desire to teach. To be looked at. To be in charge. But... it's what God seems to have required from me. I pray that I am meeting his approval.
On a different note...
Zion's birthday party is Thursday. We're having a pirate party. Skull and crossbones and everything. I'm even having a shipwrecked ship planted in my front yard... (did I mention I used to do theater?) it'll have torn sails and a pirate's flag (which is sitting on my desk next to me thanks to Zachary our 6 foot 300 pound gothic new christian teen). I went out and bought a few things for ambiance, but I think the kids will have a hoot!
I"m making a pirate ship cake. Fruit Roll-Ups for sails, and so on ... Zion has the kewlest costume ever, eye patch, sashes and pirates' wig included. Jack Sparrow - watch out! Zion doesn't know this, but he's getting a kewl pirates' sword, dagger and gun on his birthday. Kid loves to play dress up. (He gets it from his mom's side.) For dinner, we're having fish n' chips. And, Derek's going to have a tonne of games for the kids to play. THAT will be the most fun.
Oh, and it's a costume party. Everyone is coming as a pirate. And, I'll have a mural out on the front lawn as a scene setter... for pictures. I'll post them later.
Creating is what I love to do. If I could be a Chief Creative Officer for some maginificent company... I'd do it in a heartbeat. After my kids are raised... and if we weren't doing some sort of mission work somewhere. In the meantime, the churches get my creative attention. (Poor things!)
This blog is all over the place. Prolly should wrap it up.
-Jennifer-

"Everyone wants a Saviour, no one wants a Lord."
The words echo in my mind this week. The free spirit has stopped to listen.
Is it true? Is that me? Have I thanklessly been freed and snatched my salvation then rejected His Lordship only to - in a fury of spirited living - entangle myself again?
I cannot be my own master. It's not for a lack of intelligence. I have some. It's not for a lack of will. I have plenty. It's for a lack of divine wisdom. I have none.
Have I surrendered myself to Him?
God has been so patient with me.
He watches and waits as I wrestle, frustrated, head down, eyes brimming with tears to untangle the messes I've made in my life. My own doing. He encourages, He comforts, He offers to help, but in my stubborn pride, I tell him I've got it. So, He waits patiently.
When will I stop and realize that He alone understands the tangle and has the wisdom, and the forethought to unravel the mess?
Why am I so stubborn? What purpose has it served? Have I mistaken it for strength? Such foolishness.
I still hesitate to call him to be Lord... because I know that means Lord of ALL. What am I holding back? What am I afraid I will lose? My freedom? My spirit?
My creator knows me. And, He is amused at his creation. A wild child. Barefoot, free, daring, unafraid... and... entangled. Again.
God, show me. I believe... but help my unbelief.
-Jennifer-

Schnitzel with noodles: Favourite things
Old movies, the smell of popcorn, finding change, new lipgloss, seeing my breath in the night air, puppy breath, crisp fall mornings, children laughing, caramel, caramel apples, harvest, friends gathered around a fire, reminiscing, things that work, being noticed - appreciated, the smell of babies, flying, the smell of the ocean before I actually see it, imagining the ocean is just over that hilltop, the crackle of the fire in my fireplace, the first snow, falling asleep in the hammock, telling a joke right, a hot shower, getting up early despite my body's resistance, crisp pancakes with hot syrup, snuggling up to a good book with a cup of chai and some biscotti, planning special events for people, checking my e-mail and finding a real letter in there for me, fresh home made salsa with toasted chips in front of an episode of LOST, inside jokes, the first lick on an icecream cone, making homemade waffles, walking in dewy grass barefoot, the smell of cut grass, the smell of gasoline, sunrises, Canada, fresh picked blueberries, walking on the lakeshore, a strong stick for hiking, camping, painting, learning or mastering a new skill, singing, acoustic guitar, smelling my husband's cologne behind his ear, falling asleep, Christmas smells, Christmas music, decorating for any holiday, these are a few of my favourite things.