Sunday, January 15, 2006

My head is spinning. NO... not literally.

Ever know what is right... deep down inside, but doubt yourself so much... hesitate so much... that you end up looking like someone else?


Guess I have to explain, huh?

I am struggling with who I am. Can God really use me - just as I am? Not that I shouldn't try to become a better version of me... more like Christ... but does God use people like me? Do I fit in God's plan?

I am fly by the seat of my pants. And... I had never been apologetic about it until recently.

I had been a straight shooter... speaking what was on my mind ... until recently.

I am a creative, flighty soul... and had used it to God's glory... but now I hesitate. Second-guess. And I am paralyzed by my fear of failure... but not failure in God's eyes. Failure in THEIR eyes.

My wise husband reminded me the other day that I am supposed to compare myself to Christ... not to THEM. And he was right. I had been short-sighted.

Tonight I was ditched. It was an eight-grade moment returned upon me. Left alone, and clearly uninvited... I didn't know what to do. So... I left.

I used to be the life of the party! That's what's killing me! I used to take those kinds of people on, either by inviting myself in and making light of it... or asking what their problem was! But... tonight I wilted. Shrank away.

Have I been so far removed from God that I don't feel His presence, His reassurance? Am I so far from Him that I don't see my likeness? Does God not have a sense of humour? Was he not the life of the party? Was He not creative? Okay... so He wasn't flighty. I'll work on that.

I am struggling. I want to do what's right. But I want it to still be ME.

Know what I mean?

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